I was just a kid and that's what I miss.

Go with me on this one, I'm writing it in a bit of a dream-like, meditative state; trying to remember my childhood - and the path from Kid, to Kid In The Front Row.

I remember, I remember--- I used to rush to school for 8.45am, even though school started at 9.20am. I only did it for the one year. I was 10 years old. I'd get there because I had this little group of friends who I loved being around. And there was a girl, of course. I don't really remember anything, except we'd laugh. And I'd make them laugh. There was a real connection.

And I remember in class assembly, some teacher would be rattling on about something uninteresting, but somewhere near the back row, as we sat with our legs crossed--- I remember. I'd tie my shoelaces up again and again, until they were knotted as many times as possible. And then I'd pretend they were characters, like in a play or something. These little tiny shoelaces. And all my friends around me, and whatever random kids were nearby. I'd do these little plays. They consisted of the left shoelace fighting with the right shoelace. And maybe silly discussions. I remember one of the shoelaces had the nickname 'Putt Putt' -- and everyone liked the character the most. He was the funny one. He was the Chandler Bing of primary school shoelace comedy.

I remember walking out of an assembly thinking It'd amuse people if I put my left arm in the right-arm-sleeve, and the right in the left--- but I remember my arms getting stuck the wrong way round. And I couldn't do anything about it as I left the assembly. I remember being pulled out by our head-teacher who had a big go at me for being so stupid. I agreed. But I was still stuck in my jumper, unable to untangle. I don't remember what else happened.

I remember being excited by Roald Dahl.

My wrestling figures were often, I'm sure, confused by my experimental storylines. Hulk Hogan often had interesting back stories, and the Ultimate Warrior was undefeated in three years.

I remember playing football with my brother in the garden. But we'd pretend we were the managers of our favourite team. I remember we'd play out a whole season, over many months. I would make up stories of players getting injured, of players being sold-- we'd give interviews after matches, we had this whole imaginary football league, played out between the two of us in our garden.

I remember starring in my own imaginary TV show called 'Man' - it was a bit like the A-Team. I was a cop/general all round awesome guy. In most episodes I narrowly avoided getting shot. In one episode, I shocked the enemy when they thought they had finished me off --- What the enemy didn't know what that I had a Ghostbusters proton pack, which took them by surprise as they were expecting me to attack with my He-Man sword.

Me and some other Kid used to spend break times sat up against this battered old brown shed. We'd sit there and we'd talk for the whole of break time about the last repeated episode we saw of 'Steptoe & Son.' I'd do my impression of the son. It wasn't very good. But we'd laugh. We'd laugh at how funny the show was and how funny we were for liking such an old show.


I am in the business of making people laugh by telling stories, created from my imagination. I realize now, I've done this all my life.