Life / Afterlife

Is this really all there is, and then when we die, nothing? Surely there must at least be a disco.

I hope there is a heaven -- my only concern is that it will be an extremely long journey to get there. I can't afford a trip to Australia, let alone the afterlife.

If I do reach heaven, I hear that it's a paradise; filled with love and happiness. However, once there, what if someone at the dinner table doesn't pass the salt, would this not lead to conflict? And if there wasn't any conflict, wouldn't that be even more annoying? I am convinced that heaven will be full of dead people giving questionable glances and contradictory body signals. Worse still, they may not even have salt with meals at all.

Of course, I may end up in hell rather than heaven. What would happen if I killed nine people in a shopping mall and then immediately rugby tackled a terrorist, saving the lives of five thousand people? Would that mean heaven? Hell? Or somewhere in-between, like Wales?

There is also the risk that I won't get into heaven if I don't fully accept God. How can I be believe in a higher power when Rebecca Black got 50 million hits on YouTube?

The Buddhists believe there are several heavens, which means It's much easier to find a good deal on an apartment. Once settled, you also have plenty of places to take a trip, depending on whether they have aircraft in the afterlife.

In most of the major religions, as well as in some of the minor ones, heaven is said to be a place where the negative aspects of Earthly life no longer exist. This of course means that only the positive parts of life make it to heaven. But what could these be? Love, sex and friendships are fraught with negativity and arguments, so what will actually be waiting in store for us when we arrive? The only purely positive thing I can think of, is ice cream. This also makes sense as hell would never stock ice cream, as their fridge-freezers have a tendency to over-heat. This news sadly means that Lactose Intolerant people won't be allowed into heaven, but most people will agree, this is no great loss.

Glad to be of service with my intelligent guide to the afterlife. I'm available for speeches.

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