LET ME WATCH WHAT I WANT TO WATCH!

"Now I have already mentioned that there was a disturbance in my heart, a voice that spoke there and said, I want, I want, I want! It happened every afternoon, and when I tried to suppress it got even stronger. It said only one thing, I want, I want! And I would ask, 'What do you want?' But this is all it would ever tell me." 

-Henderson The Rain King

So, I really want to watch an episode of 'Seinfeld'. Specifically, I want to watch episode 22 from season 5, 'The Opposite', because it's such a classic and I'm just in the mood for it. 

And I'm also working my way through 'Frasier' again, so there's that too. 

But my brain is giving me such a hard time. On the one hand, I think watching these masterpieces of comedy is good for me as a writer, but on the other hand, my brain is telling me to branch out and watch some sci-fi or something. 

But on the other hand (this is now my third hand, which either means I am an alien or that you think I'm referring to rude body parts) who gives a shit what is good for me as a 'writer', how about just chilling out for an evening and watching what the fuck I want to watch?

But my brain doesn't work like that, not anymore. In fact, in many ways I doubt it works at all. It's just a big jumble. I want to watch a film but I want to write a film but I want to watch a sitcom but I want to go and have a great random day out in the sunshine but 3 ]pokwegop]jrw pi4q[rnwp]w4 (that is my brain spazzing out).

I don't even know what I want anymore. 

I want to write the best script I've ever written.

But how? Should I first get a killer idea? 

Or should I just write and write because many writers just write and write? 

Or should I watch a sitcom. 

Or should I watch a crime thriller.

Or should I go surfing. 

I don't know anymore. I have no clue where I am or what I'm meant to be doing. 

And you'll give me advice. Like, 'go write,' or 'go take a girl out' or 'go surfing' and I'll be all adamant that you're WRONG because it's up to ME and not YOU. So fuck you. 

But I need you. 

I need you to tell me what to do without me knowing you're telling me what to do because right now I am sinking in my own lost confusion. 

'I want I want I want' just like Henderson The Rain King. My heart screams for so many things all at once in so many corners of life, the world, my mind. I want everything all at once and I am utterly, utterly paralysed.