How To Sneak Things Into The Cinema

Ever since I was a kid, I've been a master of sneaking things into the cinema. We could never afford the movie popcorn and sweets (or candy, for you Americans), so we'd go off to the nearest shops and stock up on goodies. Movie theatres have always had policies against this; but luckily kids have always been smarter than cinema employees. It's a skill I've managed to keep ever since. I should warn you though; by sneaking things in I am talking about food, drink, and occasionally people, I am not talking about weaponry, farmyard animals, or fridge-freezers, although I believe it is possible.

There are numerous techniques, which I will outline below.

1. The Good Ole' 'Stuff-It-Under-Your-Top' Technique.

This is the classic technique which is used by most people. Quite simply, you buy what you want to buy- and then hide it in pockets, under clothing, in shoes... basically anywhere where it might fit. If you are going to do this, I thoroughly recommend taking an obese person or big-breasted girl with you, as staff very rarely have the guts to say "Are you hiding something under that top?" -- because then your burger-eating/breastily-gifted friend can use the "are you calling me fat/are you staring at my boobs?" card. I should warn you, there isn't an actual card for this, it's just an expression.

If you don't have any obese or big-breasted friends, they can often be found passing by in the street, and it's quite possible they enjoy movies.

2. The 'That Person Over There Said It Was Okay' Technique.

This is very simple. When you enter the cinema, you check out the name tags of workers on the way in. It's best to find somebody who looks like they have authority. These often are women in their 50's who look like war criminals, they have names like 'Anne' and 'Magda.'

When you get to the final check point and hand over your ticket, there is likely to be a seventeen year old who's a bit of a jobsworth. He delights in saying "Sorry, you can't bring food in here, it's against policy." When you respond with, "A woman called Magda said it's okay," you will see him visibly begin to shake, as his eyes fill up with fear. Not only is he scared of the Nazi-like manager, he assumes no customer would ever attempt such a ruse, and will promptly let you in.

3. The 'I've Got A Disease' Technique.

In recent years, I've managed to build a bit of a conscience and don't really use this technique any more. But basically, what you do is demand that you can take your specific foods in because you have some kind of illness. Diabetes is a common one to use, as most people know, vaguely, it has something to do with sugar, so they just assume you know what you're talking about and let you in with your fizzy cola bottles and yards of liquorice. Another common thing used to be to make up illnesses-- but often you find that the low-paid staff also happen to be at university studying to become doctors. This is troublesome as not only do they diagnose you on the spot, but they also delay appointments by up to four hours.

4. The 'Supreme Confidence' Technique.

This is the technique I use the most today. It's basically just positive thinking at work. You believe you are entitled to take your food in. You put your mind in a position where it is an absolute right. It's a human right. You make up the rules. You are the KING OF THE CINEMA. This technique is great as you can literally hold your goods in plain view of all staff--- but you are so freewheelin' and happy about what you're doing that staff will assume there is something special about you, or they'll assume you have a special reason why you're allowed to bring your pizza and coke into the building.

Make sure you are completely confident and happy throughout. When you get to the final checkpoint, happily hand your ticket over and say to the dude, "Hey man, how's it going?" - as you chirpily pay interest in him and exude complete confidence, there is no way he's going to turn you away!

5. Except for the times he does turn you away.....

And it's all your fault. A little drop of confidence, where you just take your eye off the game for a split second is all it takes. "Sorry, but you can't take your food in," is his standard reply. Now, there are many ways to deal with this. I've tried them all, from "Okay, after the movie - you can take my girlfriend out, how's that? Now will you let me in.." to "Why the fuck do you care about these stupid fucking rules when you're earning £5 an hour? What difference does it make?" to the truly lame, like "I'm just taking it in, I'm not going to eat it..."

But, after much trial and error, I've found the best way is to show innocence. "Oh, I didn't realize. I'm sorry..." -- the dude will then reply, half-guiltily, with "sorry, it's not my rules." Then, what you do, is stand about two metres away from him and begin eating your food. As you do, you start up a conversation with him, ask him what he's studying, what he does in his spare time, what movies he's seen recently. This is like a complete magic act, because as soon as you do, the cinema dude will say, "okay, look, you can go in. Just this once, but in future..." And then you're in with your food, drink, three course meal, everything! You get to take it all in. Magic.

6. The 'Extremely Hot Girl' Technique.

This is a superb technique that works, without fail, every single time. The problem is, you need a really hot girl. In principle, this is fine, but whenever I try to take one to see a movie they are unfortunately "really busy" or "taking time off from movie-going right now." However, sometimes I do get them to come with me, which coincidentally tends to be when my friend Jed, the guy with big muscles, comes along too.

What you do is this: you give the girl everything you want to take in. Guys who work in cinemas tend to be dweeby looking, under-sexed geeks. The only girls that talk to them are their sisters. The hot girl goes up to the lamest looking geekster ticket-dude she can find and says, whilst touching his arm, "I really need to take this food in to my seat. I know I'm not allowed, but I really want to. Can you help me out just this one time? Do you have the power to do that, to help me out?" and then she touches his arm again and smiles.

Seconds later, you will all be inside with the food, and the geek will have probably given her free popcorn and drinks too.

In Summary...

There are countless techniques that can be used for sneaking things into the cinema. I'd love to hear things you've tried over the years -- whether they succeeded or failed. It might also be an idea to develop new ideas, as we continue to outsmart the dull looking cinema staff.

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A Quick Five Question Interview With 'One Eyed Monster' Writer/Director Adam Fields

Last year, composer Adam Fields (Dawson's Creek, Beautiful People) set out to make his debut feature film, the underrated 'One Eyed Monster,' starring porn legend Ron Jeremy. I've been trying to think of clever ways to summarize what the film is, but I think it's best if you watch the trailer.

This is the first in an occasional series, where I'll be asking Director's five questions about their work.
A Writer/Director's first film is often something deeply personal, could that be said for 'One Eyed Monster'?
God, I hope not. :-) The truth is, I consciously chose a subject that was the opposite of deeply personal. Something so simple and clear in how it should be put together that it would be easy for me to make. I think if it had been something personal, there would have been too much pressure to make it perfect.

What was the most difficult thing about directing this film?
The time constraint. A very low budget forced me to direct this in 18 days, and that forced me to move faster than I would have liked.

Are there any mistakes you made during production, that you wouldn't make the next time around?
I think I would have shot more cutaways. Again, I think time didn't really allow that, but had I planned more, I could have shot a series of random cutaways each day and I think that would have opened the film up a bit more. On a first film, I think directors tend to think about only exactly what is needed to tell the story. That's definitely a good, economical way to think, but if you watch a lot of great movies, there are always cutaways to other characters' reactions, or just actions, even if they're not integral to the scene, and it just helps the world of the film feel more natural and less "play-like".

What was it like writing with your brother?

I actually wrote this with two brothers, and it was extremely fun. We started with a long day of spitballing ideas, including every joke we could think that made us laugh. Then we focused on the plot structure, and figured out how each person would eventually meet their fate. After that, Jordan went off by himself to concentrate on the dialogue, eventually bringing us back a solid first draft that Scott and I could help polish.

What can you tell us about your directing style?
With one film under my belt, I'm not sure I have a style yet. I can say unequivocally that my favorite part of directing was working with the actors, and helping them to deliver the right tone for this film.


One Eyed Monster is available now on DVD.

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A Story About Tea Addiction.

Last week I posted a short story about Understanding Your Dreams which to my great surprise many of you found better than terrible, so I hope you don't mind my indulgence if I post one more short story today, and then I promise to get back to the reason you are all here, films. This is an article about the tragic and often misunderstood problem sweeping many parts of the world, but is particularly prominent here in the U.K.

A Short Story By The Kid In the Front Row - Understanding Tea Addiction

Tea addiction is generally classed as one of the least bothersome addictions. The main signs of tea addiction are headaches, brown teeth and dressing like your grandparents. Those who have been inflicted with tea obsession often feel helpless due to how unversed medical professionals are on the subject, as they normally say to patients, "let's have a cup of tea and discuss this."

Tea is the third most common reason for not sleeping, coming in slightly behind depression, and the main reason - that it is not yet bedtime. People often think that people addicted to the caffeine in tea don't sleep well as they drink too late at night, whereas actually it is usually because the person is laying awake anticipating the morning's first cup of tea. This can lead to problems, especially if you wake up to find you are all out of tea bags.

Tea can be drunk with sugar, with sweeteners, and with relatives, who will often complain, "this is too strong for me." Tea is also versatile as it can be consumed in any situation, although I rarely drink it during sex - but that's probably because I've never had it.

Tea is great in all situations. Often after good news people will say, "lets have a cup of tea." It has also been used over the years during arguments, mainly because a fresh cup of tea can cause major burns if poured directly onto a moaning partner. Tea has also been customary at funerals over the years, although in recent years there has been debate as to whether there is any justification for causing major burns to corpses.

After the success of the AA for alcoholics, many people who were addicted to tea joined the TA, but were left baffled when their first assignment was a 9 month stay in Afghanistan. Of course, after realizing the TA was actually the Territorial Army, they instead set up Teaholics Anonymous, a place where groups of people of from all backgrounds can sit around discussing their experiences. Tea is strictly forbidden, so members tend to bring strong alcoholic beverages. Things get very confusing on every third Sunday of the month as the AA and TA have to share a hall, and members often claim to belong to a different group than they came in with.

Farmers in some parts of Africa have been blamed for the epidemic of tea addiction. Harold Frumbleby, Director of Purchases at Starbucks said, "Ethiopian farmers make their tea available for less than $0.02 per cup." He went on to claim, "this is why we charge $2.45 per cup, to stave off buyers from being driven to addiction by those careless Ethiopians." World Leaders praised Starbucks and other big coffee chains for continuing to extort prices by up to 7995%, and believed it would save the Western World from tea addiction. President Obama is rumored to be planning a "War On Caffeine," but he may cave on the decaf option.

In Summary - all I can really do is to advise caution and moderation. You also must not drink tea whilst operating heavy machinery, as this may lead to spillages. Tea can also cause staining of the teeth, which is why tea has been banned in Hollywood since the mid-nineties.

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Woody Allen Oscar Speech for New York City.

I wish he still did stand-up. It's amazing seeing this, as you can see him putting his stand-up writing skills to good use, something he hasn't had to do in about forty years.

I'm looking forward to seeing his new movie, 'Whatever Works,' it's great to see him working in NYC again.

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used to take the subway up to houston and 3rd, i would wait for you and I'd try to hide.

it's dawning on me that i head for an extended trip to new york in just over a month. it also dawned on me that i was not in the mood for using capital letters in this post, although it wasn't so much a dawning as it was just a decision i made. so i thought for today at least i would capitalize on using lower case lettering.

it also dawned on me, as it is a day of dawning, that i am yet to decide upon any accommodation or a distinct plan of action for my time there. this doesn't concern me, as it's exactly what i did last year and it ended up turning out pretty good. last year i did a bit of helping out on shoots, and shot a little short film myself. this time, i am more interested in sitting around in cafe lalo writing a feature. writing a great nyc film, in a month, whilst sitting around in cafes. that sounds like a good idea. of course, i won't just sit around in cafes. occasionally i will lay horizontally, depending on how busy they are. i also must head to caffe reggio for a strawberry yogurt, which is extremely delicious. one thing that amuses me about caffe reggio is how it states on the menu that there is a minimum order of one item per person.

i found this annoying, as i usually go into cafes, order absolutely nothing, and then leave a 20% tip.

i am definitely going to visit the museum of moving image in queens again. i spent a day there walking around by myself last time. although, maybe i was with someone as i'm pretty sure i was having long conversations whilst there? maybe i was talking to myself. maybe i just thought i was. or maybe i just think i went to the museum but actually didn't. in fact, if that is true -- maybe i didn't go to new york at all. maybe i've never been. maybe i'm not going next month. now i'm confused.

anyways, if you happen to know of anyone in new york who rents rooms cheaply to anonymous bloggers, do let me know. also, if you know anybody who works in any movie theaters who can be bribed into letting me see cheap/free movies, then please let me know. this is of course, a bit ridiculous of me, as the bribe fees are normally far larger than a month's worth of movie watching.

new york, new york - here i come. if any of you have any fun ideas of things for a writer/director/producer/blogger/obsessive tea-drinker to do in NYC, please let me know.

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