My Films, My Blog, My Ego.

I just looked at a friend's Facebook profile picture. It's pretty funny, and it was a picture from on the set of a film I directed last year. The next picture in his profile was from another film I also Produced, in the same year. And it's not like we're the closest of friends or anything, but I cast him in two movies. Without that, he'd have two different profile pictures, and two less movies. And I'd have two less brilliant performances.

And I was looking at some other actor friends, and wondering how some dude who I met in a coffee house in Leicester Square in 2003 now has 33 friends in common with me. Having been in a bunch of my films, and in getting to know each others friends, it's amazing how it all comes together.

It's like anything else, I realize, we can all trace these steps in our own lives. But regardless, this makes me feel quite proud. Whether people think my films are good, or crap-- people have come together, friendships made, relationships formed. It validates what I do far more than awards do. But then, maybe that's because I never win any awards.

It's a similar thing with this blog. I got the most wonderful email from a follower the other day, saying how this is his favorite film blog, how it puts a smile on his face. It's funny how we have a tendency to thinking we've 'made it' when a big exec signs a cheque, or when the academy nominates us--- but there's something to be said for having a young reader saying I've inspired them, or making some fat drunk guy laugh at a screening of my film, even if no-one else laughs.

I think it's always worth looking around and recognizing your achievements and milestones. Often, in the midst of people saying negative things about my work, I forget all the people who've praised it.

This has been a bit of a rambly post. I meant to write a blog about the genius of Clint Eastwood, but am way too tired so it'll have to wait a day or two.

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Stage One Of A Feature Film Screenplay.

I don't have characters yet, I don't have a plot. This is the very beginning. It's the beginning of a script I've been putting off writing since I was about fifteen.The time has come.

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I was just a kid and that's what I miss.

Go with me on this one, I'm writing it in a bit of a dream-like, meditative state; trying to remember my childhood - and the path from Kid, to Kid In The Front Row.

I remember, I remember--- I used to rush to school for 8.45am, even though school started at 9.20am. I only did it for the one year. I was 10 years old. I'd get there because I had this little group of friends who I loved being around. And there was a girl, of course. I don't really remember anything, except we'd laugh. And I'd make them laugh. There was a real connection.

And I remember in class assembly, some teacher would be rattling on about something uninteresting, but somewhere near the back row, as we sat with our legs crossed--- I remember. I'd tie my shoelaces up again and again, until they were knotted as many times as possible. And then I'd pretend they were characters, like in a play or something. These little tiny shoelaces. And all my friends around me, and whatever random kids were nearby. I'd do these little plays. They consisted of the left shoelace fighting with the right shoelace. And maybe silly discussions. I remember one of the shoelaces had the nickname 'Putt Putt' -- and everyone liked the character the most. He was the funny one. He was the Chandler Bing of primary school shoelace comedy.

I remember walking out of an assembly thinking It'd amuse people if I put my left arm in the right-arm-sleeve, and the right in the left--- but I remember my arms getting stuck the wrong way round. And I couldn't do anything about it as I left the assembly. I remember being pulled out by our head-teacher who had a big go at me for being so stupid. I agreed. But I was still stuck in my jumper, unable to untangle. I don't remember what else happened.

I remember being excited by Roald Dahl.

My wrestling figures were often, I'm sure, confused by my experimental storylines. Hulk Hogan often had interesting back stories, and the Ultimate Warrior was undefeated in three years.

I remember playing football with my brother in the garden. But we'd pretend we were the managers of our favourite team. I remember we'd play out a whole season, over many months. I would make up stories of players getting injured, of players being sold-- we'd give interviews after matches, we had this whole imaginary football league, played out between the two of us in our garden.

I remember starring in my own imaginary TV show called 'Man' - it was a bit like the A-Team. I was a cop/general all round awesome guy. In most episodes I narrowly avoided getting shot. In one episode, I shocked the enemy when they thought they had finished me off --- What the enemy didn't know what that I had a Ghostbusters proton pack, which took them by surprise as they were expecting me to attack with my He-Man sword.

Me and some other Kid used to spend break times sat up against this battered old brown shed. We'd sit there and we'd talk for the whole of break time about the last repeated episode we saw of 'Steptoe & Son.' I'd do my impression of the son. It wasn't very good. But we'd laugh. We'd laugh at how funny the show was and how funny we were for liking such an old show.


I am in the business of making people laugh by telling stories, created from my imagination. I realize now, I've done this all my life.

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What projects are you working on?

I've had a great week, meeting lots of interesting people and finding out about their projects, so I wanted to bring that energy to the blog. It's a chance to open things up to all of you, to learn a bit more about you and the projects you're working on. Whether you're working on a script, or a book, or on losing weight, or on world peace--- please share.

1. What are you working on?
2. Why is it important to you?

Look forward to finding out.

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The Flames Of My Wasted Life.

I was sixteen years old, and everyone was saying "You've got to do A Levels. If you don't do A Levels, you won't get anywhere with your life." And even then, I knew it was strange, because people who had done A Levels were being told, "You have to do a degree. If you don't do a degree, you won't get anywhere with your life." Which is weird, because now they say to people "If you don't have a Masters Degree, you won't get anywhere with your life." Of course, I never knew where it was I was meant to be getting with my life. Certainly, nobody took seriously the notion that I wanted to be a Film Director. But then, that's fine, because at the time - I didn't take it seriously either. In our school systems, there is no support for creativity. I say that without hesitation. I was actively talked out of my writing interest in school. Nobody had ever sat me down and said "create something; it's brilliant when people create things." It was always, "Your Science homework is due tomorrow. Get it done."

I wasn't good at science. I wasn't much good at anything. But I did stay on to do 'A Levels.' But don't get excited-- I only stayed for two weeks. I don't even remember the subjects I chose. One of them was Media Studies, that thing where you sit there making stuff up like "The green coloring of Buzz Lightyear is a metaphor for the decay of society and is symbolic of aubergines." So, I knew deep inside that A Levels were not for me. And then everyone was saying, "well, you gotta get a job, you gotta earn some money, you gotta make a living." So I got a job as an office junior for a Quantity Surveying company. I didn't know what Quantity Surveying was (I still don't), but I forged ahead with my little job and the most depressing period of my life. Don't get me wrong, I've had years that were much tougher, where life really threw curve balls - but being 17 was tough because I had a terrible job, no goals, and nothing seemed to be on the horizon. And there were no girls. Well, I'm sure there were, just not in my life.

I remember in a very exact way that I went to a lot of gigs when I was 17. I guess it was a survival thing. Depressing, awful job by day, but gigs by night. I would love to pretend I was some cool rock kid, but I was seeing acts like Vonda Shepard, John Mayer, Ryan Adams, etc-- it was all Americana-ish, alt-rock blandity. But I don't mean to put it down - this is something I am learning to stand up for more, it's the music I love. I make no apologies. Anyways, the music became this incredibly important thing to me. It offered an alternative world to the one of moving boxes from storage space to storage space, and talking boring office talk to colleagues. I guess day by day it would build up and build up - my deep interest in music. I think I'm only realising the relevance of music to my life then, as I think about it now, many years later.

Somewhere inside of me, this feeling was bubbling up. The feeling that I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to be a writer. A film director. Even then, I was aware that you don't make great films by moving boxes around storage units, but I didn't seem to possess the power or will to make the change. It was like a trigger was missing, some little thing that would put my life into gear, to give me perspective.

And then two things happened. One is because of Bruce Springsteen, and one is because of Counting Crows. But somewhere within those two events; the thing that was bubbling up finally came to fruition, the alchemy of my situation, my dreams, and my love for music. Here's how I remember it.

Bruce Springsteen announced a one off gig at Wembley Arena. And I guess I should tell you, I absolutely loved Bruce Springsteen. 'Thunder Road' was fast becoming my favorite song, and 'Born To Run' felt just like the bubbling, bubbling that'd been firing up inside of me. And 'Dancing In The Dark' was gaining in relevance.

I get up in the evening

and I ain't got nothing to say

I come home in the morning

I go to bed feeling the same way

I ain't nothing but tired

Man I'm just tired and bored with myself

Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

- Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In The Dark

So, I really wanted to go see The Boss live. But no-one would come with me. I asked all my friends. The collective response was, "the Born in the USA guy? No thanks." I made a very important decision. I decided to go by myself. Which shouldn't be a big deal, but for the lonely, worried little me, it was a big deal. It was confirmation that I was pathetic. This was supported by the build up to the event - culminating on me getting the train to the concert and feeling like a complete outsider. I didn't relate to my friends and I didn't really know why I was listening to Springsteen rather than, I dunno, whatever was popular at the time. So I was really miserable. I remember sitting in my seat, alone, at Wembley Arena. And I just felt--- so separated from everything, from everyone I knew. These things are so painful when you're 17.

And then Springsteen came on stage. And the music started.

What proceeded to happen was as near to a religious experience as I've ever had. I realized that I wasn't alone, I was with 12,000 of my closest friends. This wasn't just music, it a man who sang my dreams. His views on the world were the same as mine. There was a dream to be had and he was singin' it and chasin' it. I was truly transformed. I realized the reason I was there, at that gig, was because THAT WAS WHO I WAS. It is who I am. It is me. If everybody I knew who was going see Bruce Springsteen alone, and obsessing over his setlists and having this outrageously great experience, then I'd be just like everybody else. And being like everyone else wouldn't make me a very interesting writer. And it was like I GOT IT, right there, in that crap old tin of an arena.

I don't give a damn
For the same old played out scenes
I don't give a damn
For just the in betweens
Honey, I want the heart, I want the soul
I want control right now

Talk about a dream
Try to make it real
you wake up in the night
With a fear so real

Spend your life waiting
for a moment that just don't come
Well, don't waste your time waiting

Badlands, you gotta live it everyday
Let the broken hearts stand
As the price you've gotta pay
We'll keep pushin' till it's understood
and these badlands start treating us good

- Bruce Springsteen - Badlands

A week later; I was trying to figure out what that experience meant in relation to my career as a guy who re-alphabetizes an archiving system on a weekly basis. I remember very specifically being downstairs in the basement of the company I was working in. I was having a particularly hard time remembering the alphabet properly. Not because I'm dumb, but because I truly didn't give a shit.

Aside from Springsteen, my other obsession were Counting Crows. And this memory seems really cheesy now. But it happens to be true. I was down in the basement doing the archiving nonsense, moving 'N' nearer to 'B' and hiding 'L' just because I was a rebel. And the song 'A Murder Of One' by the Crows came into my head. And it really got a hold of me. I really began feeling the message of the song. I was enjoying it, it really felt alive. The words were really hitting me hard.

All your life is such a shame, shame, shame.
All your love is just a dream, dream, dream.
Open up your eyes.
You can see the flames, flames, flames of your wasted life.
You should be ashamed. Yeah, you don't want to waste your life, baby.
You don't wanna waste your life, now darlin.
You don't wanna waste your life, baby.

You don't wanna waste your life, now darlin.
Oh, you don't wanna waste your life, now baby.

I said you don't wanna waste your life, now darlin.
Oh, you don't wanna waste your life, now baby.
Oh, you don't wanna, you don't wanna waste your life, now darlin.

Change, change, change.
Change.Change.

Change.

- Counting Crows - A Murder Of One

It was the second of my transformations. It was so sudden. Shit, I really wish I had these epiphanies every day. It hit me that I am NOT an office junior, I am not someone who moves boxes around for a living. I had a burning desire in me to CHANGE. To be something. I fucking loved films; my obsessive watching them and thinking about them was for a reason. I couldn't deny it anymore, it was time to come out of the closet and declare, "I am a Writer! I am a Director!" - I didn't outwardly declare it like that, but I did tell myself, it was time to be confident in who I really was and to make it my life.

I handed in my resignation on a Tuesday. By the Friday, I was gone. And now I'm the Kid In The Front Row.

It takes a leap of faith to get things going
It takes a leap of faith you gotta show some guts
It takes a leap of faith to get things going
In your heart you must trust

Bruce Springsteen - Leap Of Faith

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