So where the fuck is my footage?

This is a sad but true fact, a lot of actors don't get their footage. This is how it goes.

Julie The Actress: "So, will I get a copy?"

Jonny The Director: "Yeah, of course. And it'll be in a lot of festivals."

Julie: "That's great!"

Jonny: "It's delayed a bit at the moment. I'm having trouble with the special effects."

Julie: "Okay, no problem."

Jonny: "........................."

Julie: "Hi Jonny, I've not heard from you in eight months, just wondering how the film is going?"

Jonny: "......................................"

Julie: "Hi Jonny. I'm moving to L.A. next month. I really liked your film, and I really need some footage for my reel. Just send me anything. I did it for free, and I just want my scenes."

Jonny: "I'm so sorry I haven't been in touch. My Grandma was ill, and then I moved house. Things got a bit crazy."

Julie: "Okay, no worries. I understand. Could I get the footage?"

Jonny: "............."

Julie: "Jonny?"

Now - I'm a Director. I'm not an actor. Luckily though, I have always been extremely good at getting actors their footage. I prefer to give them the finished film only, but in the past, if I've made a really bad short film that hasn't been completed, I make sure they get some footage. This is how it's meant to be.

But here's the strange thing, NO DIRECTOR EVER IDENTIFIES AS BEING THE ONE WHO DOESN'T GIVE OUT FOOTAGE. Yet EVERY upcoming actor I know is waiting on A LOT of footage, and most of it never comes. So, I'd really like us to find some of these Directors who never give out any footage -- and maybe we can come to a new understanding of why it happens. At the moment, Julie is left thinking "This guy is an asshole, he won't give anything." - but I want the Jonnys of this world to have a defence. If you are a Director who has ever failed to give an actor their work, or if you repeatedly do it - please let us know why. Are you ashamed of the work? Did the cat eat it? Are you waiting five years for financing to complete it? Genuinely, I think we'd all like to know what's going on.

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The Bizarre Case Of Dane Cook - The Unfunniest Man In Comedy

I went to see Dane Cook in Madison Square Garden tonight and, I have to say, I was completely blown away by the complete lack of anything funny happening during his entire set. I bought a ticket because, being in NY, it seemed like something to do, especially as the Springsteen shows this weekend had sold out. So instead, I went for some comedy, and I was assured that this guy was the biggest name in comedy right now.

I never figured I would love him. I mean, I've seen his movies and he always just seemed like a weak Ryan Reynolds. But hey, I don't mean to sound like a Dane Cook Hater. After getting home tonight and being extremely discombobulated by how this unfunny guy had taken the comedy world by storm, I began to google him to find out answers. What I found, was quite horrible really - people really hate on this guy, they really make it personal.

And I don't mean to do that, honestly I don't. I'd like to be more mature about it. Comedy is extremely important to me; most of my writing and filmmaking revolves around comedy. It's everything to me. So, I couldn't help but sit there in amazement at what was going on. Thousands of people were laughing uncontrollably, and I just sat there completely lost. He doesn't tell jokes, for one. I've read a lot about him tonight saying he tells 'observational jokes' - but I don't really see that either. He observes things, but he doesn't build jokes around them.

And that's what disappointing, I guess, is that rather than being a storyteller who cleverly crafts material and punchlines, he just talks about internet porn and sex like a guy in a bar would. He's very loud and confident. And I kind of liked that about him, he's great with a crowd, very fun. Problem is, I'm just not sure why they were laughing. The reason it troubles me is because, I'd like to think I have a good idea of what comedy is, and I'm writing a screenplay I'd like to think would appeal to the masses. But the masses, evidently, find Dane Cook hilarious. It confuses me because - I JUST DON'T GET IT! I don't see where the funny is! Why are people laughing?

He seems like a good guy, it's not personal. I'm not saying this because he's wildly popular and successful, he's done very well and evidently deserves his success if he can fill up Madison Square Gardens -- but it's left me confused by how we define comedy, and what people want to see/hear.

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Box Of Chocolates.

It's funny how the world works. You can be having the very best time of your life - but someone, somewhere else, is in downfall. It can be someone you know, or someone you don't know, I guess it really doesn't matter. But somewhere between living and dying, we're all going to travel around the wheel. There's something scary about that, but there's something really beautiful about it too.

And you look back at your life - there are the times you got the girl, the times you stayed up all night with new friends, the time you travelled to warmer climates, and there are the times you didn't get the girl, the times you sat by someone's bed-side as they slipped away, there are times you were stuck inside yourself with no idea how you would get out and do anything with your life.

I guess this is when a lot of people try to figure out the meaning of life, or look to God, or whatever. God can exist or not exist, life can be meaningless or important, either way-- we're on this big wheel that goes round and round until it runs out of energy. At any given moment, you can be flying high, it's all champagne, flowers and parties. But one more spin and it's smashed cars, broken dreams and day turning into night.

Sometimes it really jumps out and hits you -- you can be facing a moment that is literally life or death, and you turn to your closest friend, and they're trying to figure out which dress to wear to the party. But one year later, you're holidaying in Jamaica with your new wife, and that friend of yours is in a wheelchair now, and she doesn't quite feel confident enough to get back into a dress just yet. There's something really profound about noticing that polarity, and it doesn't really happen when you're stuck in your head, in your home, worrying about why your broadband isn't working, or being disturbed by how late the bus is. It only comes when you're faced with true life - when you're at the height of happiness or the depths of despair.

And that's what I find quietly beautiful about it all. Sometimes, a joke shared at someones hospital bed might be the funniest thing you ever hear. And you wouldn't have laughed like that if you were sat at home arguing on a forum about iPhone apps. And you realize, that car crash, that cancer, that break-up, whatever it is - it holds a lot more gold than pretty much everything else.

Your life is going to cycle. If you're laying on a beach, or buzzing around the streets of New York -- make sure you enjoy it. Life is to be enjoyed, and you deserve as many amazing experiences as you can find. Don't fear those bad times slipping in, because they're part of the tapestry of the wheel. I'm not saying you should 'be positive' like some cheesy self-help book; but even if the worst imaginable thing has happened, keep your eyes open, because some spark of life and magic can be found in the most subtle of things. And when life turns to shit, you notice the gold amongst the mud, that's where the silver lining is.

I guess what I'm saying is, whichever side of the wheel you're on - the other side is waiting for you; so if it's going to come, you may as well welcome it.

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."

-Forrest Gump

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Things To Do Instead Of Writing Your Screenplay.

1. Flick constantly between your email and your Facebook.

2. Develop a sudden interest in world news.

3. Drink tea.

4. Get so engrossed in reading a Wikipedia article about UFOs that you completely forget you were even thinking about writing a script.

5. Look at pictures of Megan Fox.

6. Look at pictures of Monica Bellucci.


7. Write a letter to both of their agents, with a pitch for a film, starring them - with a clause that you get final say on costume.

8. Write the words 'YOU FUCKING SUCK AT WRITING' in big, italic letters.

9. Develop a fascination with really uninteresting people on your Facebook friends list.

10. Blog.

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When you allow yourself to be who you are.

I call myself a writer, but often you will find me working some job I loath, or doing some camera work, or arguing with people in the street, or justifying myself to people -- you know how it is-- it's like, I got talking to this waitress the other day, and I said "how long have you worked here?" and she said "two years. But I do Real Estate too.." I could totally sympathise with what she was doing; which was feeling the need to validate herself as more than a waitress (which I never doubted, by my question could well have seemed judgemental.) It's the same with writers all across the world. People say "oh wow, you're really great at sweeping the streets," and the writers say "thanks, but there's also some producer who is maybe interested in reading my script!"

So, I live in London. But right now, I am in New York. I am doing only the things I love. I am Directing a short film I wrote, I am writing a feature screenplay, and I have a film in a festival over here. When I'm not writing, I am hanging out with friends and meeting cool new people. That weight of expectation, validation and responsibility has been lifted. I get to be a successful writer - I get to be exactly who I want to be, who I sometimes am. Hell, I get to be who I really am.

And it's so important - I recommend it. Whether it means jumping on a plane, or whether it means renting a hotel room local to you and hiding out there and writing... find a way to do what you do, to be who you are. Find a place; be it a physical place or a mental place inside yourself - and be who you are. Be a writer. Believe it, feel it and be it. You'll feel a lot younger and a lot more inspired. All you have to do is give yourself permission, and find a world where you don't need to justify yourself - where you're freed from creative oppression both internal and external.

You can currently find me walking around the streets of New York, fuelling my imagination for many future projects.

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