People Who Push My Buttons.

INT. CINEMA - EVENING
The Kid is in line to get some popcorn. Although, he's not getting popcorn, he's getting a tea, because that's what front-row sitting English people do.

KID
Could I have a tea, please?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
Why not?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
We're not serving any tea
at the moment.

KID
Is it broken?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
Not exactly.

KID
Then could I get a tea?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I'm not authorized to use it.

PETE
Is Ellen Page in this film?

KID
(to Pete)
No, hold on..
(to Dude)
You're not authorized to press
the 'hot water' button?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I've not been trained.

KID
No worries. I'm trained. I'm trained on
making tea. Can I make myself a tea?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
I'll just press the 'hot water'
button and that's it. Seriously,
I'm fully trained.

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I'm new here, I've not been
trained on the tea and coffee
machine.

KID
Do they send you on a course?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
It's a health and safety thing.

KID
Dude, look - I just want a tea.
You just gotta put a tea bag
in one of those cups and press
a button.

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

The Fat Lady Behind The Thing comes trundling along, with a smug look on her face.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
Can I help you?

KID
I'd like a tea.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
We're not serving tea at the moment.

KID
Would you like me to train you
on the hot water button?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
I'm trained, thank you. But I
am not currently working on
this section.

KID
So how can you help me?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
What makes you think I want to help you?

KID
You said 'How Can I Help You?'

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
What is that supposed to mean?

KID
I'm confused.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
You're in a cinema.

KID
Thank you, I realize that. Is
anyone here trained on pressing
the hot water button?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
No, not tonight.

KID
Is anyone trained on pressing any
button, or, if not, could you train
them today?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
I have extensive experience making tea,
drinking tea, and pressing buttons. I even
pressed the button on the ticket thing
over there, with no training.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
I'm sorry, but there'll be no use
of this machine tonight.

A Very Small Lady appears at the side of the thing.

VERY SMALL LADY BY THE SIDE OF THE THING
Deirdre, let's go for a break.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
Good idea, Maureen, I fancy a tea.

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Reader Poll.

I am interested to know why it is you come back to Kid In The Front Row. When there's a new post, what are you hoping to read? I think I can be somewhat erratic in my style; sometimes writing in depth about director's, sometimes rambling nonsensically about a trip to the cinema, sometimes interviewing film professionals, etc.

I don't know whether you like this style, or whether you dismiss 90% of posts and hold out for the 10% you like. Whatever the answers, please take the poll on the left-hand side of the webpage, and if you have any additional comments - please leave them here.

Thanks!

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Sing A Song For Me.

"The bus is running,
it's time to leave,
the summer's gone,
and so are we."
This song, this version of this song, is exactly how I feel today.

Counting Crows - Miami (acoustic)


How do you feel? Youtube links in the comments please!

"If you knew everything,
If you could see everything before it happened,
then what would you do?
If you knew that the love you threw away,
that it meant everything to her,
If you knew that you could ruin her,
then what would you do?"

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Scarlett Johannson & Pete Yorn singing "RELATOR"

I like this song. I like Scarlett's voice. I also like other things about Scarlett, but we'll save those for another time.

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Lovefilm: Faulty Rentals, Guaranteed.

The idea of lovefilm.com and their online rental service is a great one. They send you DVD's, and when you're done with them, you send them back. This part works wonderfully. The part that doesn't work so well is when you put the DVD's in your player and attempt to watch them.
It can be quite exciting trying to guess when the rented DVD will freeze. Will it be whilst navigating the menu system, will it be in the opening minutes - or will it be just before the film reaches its climax? This is the genius of lovefilm; you never know when the disc will freeze.

Lovefilm offer a variety of discs. Most common is the 'Scratchtastic' disc. When Lovefilm order their stock, before sending discs to members - they invite four year old children to sit in their warehouse. They supply them with knives, scissors, and anything else that may be able to produce interesting scratched designs on the data side of the disc. The kids then get a few hours to make a ridiculous mess, scratching up the discs as much as possible. It is believed that 75% of all discs posted by the online rental service, LoveFilm, are in fact Scratchtastic.

Another popular disc type is the 'Liquid Disc'. Not only will Lovefilm send you a latest release; but the disc will also be discoloured due to a strange dried liquid on the underside. Potential liquids include tea, orange juice, and salad dressing. It is rumoured that Lovefilm invite top chefs from around the country into their DVD disc storehouse and allow them to experiment with adding various sauces to the surface of the discs. You may not be able to play them in your DVD player, but they will sure taste nice.

The 'Smashomatic' DVD was once a rare thing to find - but due to increased popularity, Lovefilm now commonly send out DVD's which have many cracks and are occasionally smashed up in various ways. Lovefilm promise that they check all discs before sending them out. But the question remains: how thoroughly do they check them? If a disc looks playable, do they immediately make a crack and urinate on it, or do they hope it will get damaged whilst passing through the postal system?

My current recommendation is: do not sign up for a lovefilm.com rental account. Lovefilm is a wonderful idea, and they have an incredible selection of DVD's available. On the plus side, they do have a good customer service team who always offer to replace DVD's and may even discount you for the following month if you've had consistent problems. However, the quality of DVD's are constantly getting WORSE. Of course, members of the public are often terrible at looking after them; but the fact that someone called Joe in Manchester has to put his grubby finger prints all over a disc should not affect the service I receive on the other side of the country. It's time for LoveFilm to seriously look at ways to improve their discs and provide a more consistent quality of films to their ever-growing base of customers who have made them the UK's leading online DVD rental service.

I am CONSTANTLY having DVD's freeze and skip; I rarely get to finish a film received from Lovefilm. What is your experience with their service?

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