I hope you're okay, Pee-Man.

To the person who found my blog today by searching 'I desperately want to pee' on google, I just want to say -- I hope you're okay.


And I want to apologize. You came to my blog hoping to find the answer for how to pee, or perhaps to find somebody else who, similarly, wants to pee. And instead, you found a bunch of posts about filmmaking.

My recommendation is that, should you ever desperately need to pee again, you should just go for it, rather than waste valuable time searching through Google results. Whilst these can be fascinating, they will only exasperate the problem, which can lead to you doing serious damage - especially if you pee all over the motherboard.

Best wishes.

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People Who Push My Buttons.

INT. CINEMA - EVENING
The Kid is in line to get some popcorn. Although, he's not getting popcorn, he's getting a tea, because that's what front-row sitting English people do.

KID
Could I have a tea, please?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
Why not?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
We're not serving any tea
at the moment.

KID
Is it broken?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
Not exactly.

KID
Then could I get a tea?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I'm not authorized to use it.

PETE
Is Ellen Page in this film?

KID
(to Pete)
No, hold on..
(to Dude)
You're not authorized to press
the 'hot water' button?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I've not been trained.

KID
No worries. I'm trained. I'm trained on
making tea. Can I make myself a tea?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
I'll just press the 'hot water'
button and that's it. Seriously,
I'm fully trained.

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I'm new here, I've not been
trained on the tea and coffee
machine.

KID
Do they send you on a course?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
It's a health and safety thing.

KID
Dude, look - I just want a tea.
You just gotta put a tea bag
in one of those cups and press
a button.

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

The Fat Lady Behind The Thing comes trundling along, with a smug look on her face.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
Can I help you?

KID
I'd like a tea.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
We're not serving tea at the moment.

KID
Would you like me to train you
on the hot water button?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
I'm trained, thank you. But I
am not currently working on
this section.

KID
So how can you help me?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
What makes you think I want to help you?

KID
You said 'How Can I Help You?'

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
What is that supposed to mean?

KID
I'm confused.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
You're in a cinema.

KID
Thank you, I realize that. Is
anyone here trained on pressing
the hot water button?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
No, not tonight.

KID
Is anyone trained on pressing any
button, or, if not, could you train
them today?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
I have extensive experience making tea,
drinking tea, and pressing buttons. I even
pressed the button on the ticket thing
over there, with no training.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
I'm sorry, but there'll be no use
of this machine tonight.

A Very Small Lady appears at the side of the thing.

VERY SMALL LADY BY THE SIDE OF THE THING
Deirdre, let's go for a break.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
Good idea, Maureen, I fancy a tea.

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Reader Poll.

I am interested to know why it is you come back to Kid In The Front Row. When there's a new post, what are you hoping to read? I think I can be somewhat erratic in my style; sometimes writing in depth about director's, sometimes rambling nonsensically about a trip to the cinema, sometimes interviewing film professionals, etc.

I don't know whether you like this style, or whether you dismiss 90% of posts and hold out for the 10% you like. Whatever the answers, please take the poll on the left-hand side of the webpage, and if you have any additional comments - please leave them here.

Thanks!

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Sing A Song For Me.

"The bus is running,
it's time to leave,
the summer's gone,
and so are we."
This song, this version of this song, is exactly how I feel today.

Counting Crows - Miami (acoustic)


How do you feel? Youtube links in the comments please!

"If you knew everything,
If you could see everything before it happened,
then what would you do?
If you knew that the love you threw away,
that it meant everything to her,
If you knew that you could ruin her,
then what would you do?"

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Scarlett Johannson & Pete Yorn singing "RELATOR"

I like this song. I like Scarlett's voice. I also like other things about Scarlett, but we'll save those for another time.

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