When you spend five months making a short film with all the energy you have, when you move to another State to follow your acting, when you Produce a film for a festival - when you do all these things and the world DOESN'T accept your work. This is a big deal. This isn't just another chance to jump up and try again. There is something involved in failure which is different to losing a job, or losing money- and it is more in keeping with losing the love of your life. It is heartbreak. Utter heartbreak. You are sharing with people who you are: and they are not buying it.
Heart-break
(noun)
Overwhelming sorrow, grief, or disappointment.
There is little consolation for this. But weirdly, we are all so protective of this. We don't let people know what it means to us. Missing out on your dream role, or dream festival, or anything of a similar nature -- in that moment you are missing out on your destiny. You are missing out on what you believe you are living for. Sometimes when you make a short film, you connect so incredibly with your cast and crew; and it becomes like a family. You make an incredibly personal and meaningful thing. The love that permeates this thing is then put out into the world in film festivals, on social networks, and through everyone you know. And sometimes, people don't get it. Not even that- sometimes what you create isn't very good. Everybody, at some point, says "this will be my best film," "this will be the year I make it," "this will be incredible." Sometimes it isn't. And you have put every thing you are into it.
This is part and parcel of working in this field. Everyone accepts that. Everyone quietly gets back to work and if you lose a bit of esteem someone throws a new-age 'be positive' book at you; and onwards you go. But wait--- there's heartbreak to be dealt with here. When you put all that you have emotionally, mentally and physically into creating and completing something creative - you are putting yourself at the mercy of everyone who will ever witness your art. And when they don't respond, that hurts.A lot of people go through this but they all keep it so private. Actors are proud and defensive, director's want to appear confident and writers don't want to show how vulnerable they can be. As you get older, it gets harder. You gather your experience and your passion and your energy, and you throw it down into one basket and give it everything you've got. Occasionally, you make 'In Search Of A Midnight Kiss', but most of the time you don't.
And when it comes to that time when you look around, and wonder where you're going wrong and how you're going to stand up again-- you see the flames of the failed projects that line your past and you wonder if you'll ever make anything to rise above the mud. You look back to that project that was meant to change your life but sadly changed nothing. And you wonder how long you can go on deceiving yourself that you are a person with something to say, something to offer.
That's about as best as I can describe it.
