The Meaning Of Life (I figured it out)

How many of us are stuck behind walls? Can't write that script because something makes us blurry? Can't commit to that relationship because something makes us numb? Can't go out at the weekend because we just can't find that energy anymore?

Life becomes a series of things you need to do and appointments you need to keep. And the company you keep is just a repeat episode where you bitch about the same people and come up with new plans which are just a way of travelling around a circle in a slightly different way.

If you're religious, you know this is all a trap, a test, a thing to pass on the way to something better. If you don't believe in the Gods, it's just a meaningless ride and you gotta be at work at 9.

This is your life. These are our lives and everything stays the same and we argue with the neighbour and demand things from our families and judge our friend's relationships.

But man went to the moon. And Shakespeare had ideas. And Martin Luther King liked humanity. And Chaplin smiled. It's the dreams and the ideas and the art that make the ride worth it.

The girl from your past is more beautiful to the sound of a song you both loved. The people you lost along the way are more vivid when you remember their love for old war movies. Your relationship with your kids is strongest when you build things together or invent storylines about aliens from mars.

Keep believing in the aliens. Keep creating them. Don't ever let anyone make you think the aliens aren't the most important thing in the world.

Your creativity, your art, your mad mind, they're what makes life worth living. You've always known this, so don't ever shy away from it. Don't ever pretend it's not what life is about.

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the days got busy

The only chance I'm getting to blog at the moment is late at night when I should be sleeping, but of course I'm not sleeping, because I don't really do that.

Last night I did a Skype audio interview with a college class in Milwaukee, about my blog. They wanted to know what makes a successful blog? What inspires you? All those kinds of questions. They sounded like a great and enthusiastic class-- and I felt bad because I was beyond exhausted and my answers veered off into a world of rambling and nonsense that I fear would have made them hang up if they weren't enchanted by the English accent.

So I finished the call and didn't go to sleep because my mind was still running around.

I got up at 6am to go and film an audition tape for an actress I know who's up for a great part. The casting director needed the tape by 2.30pm without fail. So we were gonna shoot it in the 'normal' morning time which is 9am for normal people but 11am for actors and directors. But we decided to start at 8am because that's the type of people we are. I left home at 6.30 and when I got to Liverpool Street station I walked to her place in the morning sun except that it was grey and miserable, but at least I got there on time or at least would have done if I had planned properly.

I got lost. London is confusing. Especially when you're on foot at 7.30am without caffeine.

We filmed the scenes and she was awesome. Totally rocked it. She is more of a theatre girl and was worried about her screen acting but she nailed it. I got some credit for helping her be natural, but it's bullshit; it was all her. She'll get the role, she has to.

She had a housemate, another actress. And it was like fate. I'm not talking about love. But casting-fate. I'm casting my movie and she could be right. So I did an impromptu screentest. She was awesome.

And I got done and gone by 4.03pm where I went to the Cineworld in Shaftsbury Avenue to see about forty minutes of "No Strings Attached" and I loved it! It had some truth, it had some laughs; and people criticise Kutcher, but he has heart. And Portman I want to marry. And she can act good.

And I left the cinema somewhere around 4.52pm and headed to the cafe near Covent Garden to meet with an actress friend and before you get the impression I just go around meeting up with actresses you should know that isn't true except for on weekdays. And I'm joking of course; but the actress in the coffee place somewhere in Covent Garden just has that air of authenticity about her. Like you just knows she's about the truth. I go after that because so few actors have truth and honesty, they're too busy trying to be successful. And unless you're a well-tanned self-help junk 'coach' from California, then your job isn't to be successful it's just to be yourself, which I'd actually harder.

And I headed home and responded to a ton of emails and watched the end of 'The Town' which is an amazing film, and then I edited four videos that I needed to complete for a project. And tomorrow I'm up at 7, and in the early afternoon I have to be on camera for something somewhere in London.

And it's hard for me and my film's producer to see eye to eye. It always is. Because money and art never agree, there's always disagreements and defensiveness and confusion and righteousness--- on both sides.

And everything is busy and I'm not sleeping. But today was the good kind of busy--- interesting work and wonderful actresses. But most days you're up crazy early and it's a slog.

And the interviews say "What inspired you?" and "what do you love about...." but most of the time you're part of the long and stressful slog, and thats what most of it is.

But it's all great. It's a blast. But nobody earns anything really and everyone is learning how to get back to being who they are. And the actresses today were great examples of that. They used to chase opportunities and be hopeful. But now they're experienced and they just focus on being themselves and doing their own thing.

And it creeps towards 1am and I'm up at 7. I've averaged three hours a night this week.

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Is my creativity the result of a bad habit?

I've been exhausted for days. It keeps getting to 3am and I'm still awake. And the days keep getting busier.

Today was meant to be an early night. But I lay down and the tiredness of the day forgets itself and instead I think about ideas and projects and the world and whatever else comes along. It surprises me every time, but it really shouldn't, because it's so common for me.

I was never a sleeper. It's just a whole lot of lying down in the dark waiting for the day to start. But why am I like this? Is it linked to my creativity? Definitely. But why dont I sleep? Is it just a bad habit from childhood?

Is my creativity the result of a bad habit? Writers and artists of all disciplines like the ego boost of thinking they have a higher purpose or a gift from God, but maybe it is the result of a bad habit, or a knock to the head, or something equally mundane. Why do some people have a bad day and want to write a poem, whereas others have a bad day and want to buy a chocolate bar? We always have meaningful answers but why should it be meaningful?

As a kid I hated the dark. Didn't trust it. Even now I pull myself out of falling to sleep. But what if I dealt with my sleep issues when I was seven and became an avid sleeper. Would all the scripts and articles and blogs I've written at 2am still exist? Sometimes I conceive of entire projects in a night.

Was it written in the stars that I'd create my work while everyone is busy sleeping, or is it just a fluke?

But I'm tired, I wish I was asleep now. So often I can be so certain I need sleep, and then I almost feel anger as an idea appears in my mind at 4.09am, because I know the chance for rest is slipping away.

---- I've re-read everything above, and an ending to this post isn't coming. It's my late night muse shutting up shop, It's done for the night. The part of my brain that knows when I've done a good job knows that the work isn't done, but the part of my brain that fed me the 'blog about sleep' idea has gone silent. And that's creativity, a semi-formed idea at 1.28am on a Thursday morning.

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Artistic Maturity

You start out knowing who you are and what you want. And then you realise it's more complicated than that so you start adapting yourself and changing your plans and figuring out how to 'market' yourself.

Artistic maturity is when you go back to how you started: you become yourself.

I had lunch with three friends today. We're all still young but we've been at this a long time. One of the group always had the crazy unrealistic dream of acting on the West End stage. Now she does. She never allowed herself another choice.

One of the other friends used to worry about what his 'type' was, and what genre suits him. But today at lunch, in a short break from a show he's touring, he told me about a one man play he wants to produce, about a politician who fascinates him. There were no worries about whether it was a good career move or whether it was a logical thing to do -- he just followed his instincts. And it was great. We sat and brainstormed ideas for an hour and we could well be co-writing something.

The third friend, she had those battles with her agent that all actors have. It's the one where an agent tries to shove you down a certain path because that's where the roles are. Or more truthfully, that's where the agent's comfort zones are. But my friend said no. The agent wanted her to do some play that paid well but wasn't interesting. My friend said no, stayed in London, and landed a role on prime time TV.

And as we had lunch today; it was great to have that feeling; that we're all doing what we want to be doing. And it's not that difficult, you just decide to do it.

Because when someone says 'you have to write horror, it's the only thing I can sell' -- if you don't love horror, then you're strangling yourself as a writer. And if you want to be acting on screen in London and your agent tries to make you do a play in Ireland for six months -- you have to weigh up what counts, figure out who you really are.

Because most people I've met are bending to try and fit into the industry. But they all fail and they're smashing their head against the walls and complaining about how nothing is happening.

People forget to be themselves. Sure, you can try reinvent yourself and be something you're not, but how real is it? Is it a part of your true personality or are you trying desperately to be noticed? You don't wanna be like Meg Ryan in that boxing movie.

So, my friends are doing good. They're focusing on what they want to do. It's better than thumping your head against a wall.

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"MY DREAMS" Review

For many nights, over much of my life, I have watched numerous dreams, of my own, mostly whilst sleeping. I am growing increasingly unhappy with the quality of my dreams, and much prefer the earlier, funnier ones. It is also troubling to me that my dreams are becoming increasingly unrealistic, with some terrible acting. The dream about the banjo playing dancer, starring my best friend Doug --- whilst interesting at first, lost all credibility when Doug's feet stopped moving and he ended up shouting "I have no elbows!" at Natalie Portman repeatedly. What was Natalie Portman even doing in this dream? After her recent movies, I'm surprised she would star in something so unprofessional.

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