The incredibly talented and world famous film blogger who is rumoured to have dated Scarlet Johannson, Natalie Portman, and numerous unattractive extras from his own projects, was arrested tonight after an unexpected bloodbath in a local cinema, a crime which is utterly unacceptable unless you've been sitting through a Ben Stiller double-bill.
The blogger and famed womanizer began the night suspiciously at the ticket booth when he yelled abusive language at the cinema worker. He was about to be kicked out of the building but after much arguing, the video footage proved that the ticket seller had been "hovering around behind the counter pretending to be unaware of the sixteen people waiting in line."
The Kid In The Front Row, who surprised onlookers by making a rare appearance without a Hollywood starlet by his side, erupted again shortly after, due to being charged 14.99 for a small popcorn and 7.25 for having his ticket stub ripped in half.
Staff were relieved when The Kid took to his seat, as they know from previous experience that he gets immensely engrossed in the movies, or in the arms of iconic sex symbols in the back row.
The Kid, eager to watch a film in the absence of an A-list babe by his side, was incensed, if not inflamed (near to the point of combustion) when two separate people had what can only be described as the 'Blackberry Flash of light', which has already been reworked on Twitter as the 'Blackberry Flash of death' after the film blogging hero, who is often compared to Brad Pitt, bludgeoned them to death with the sharp end of his ripped ticket stub, before quietly turning their Blackberries off.
The other cinemagoers were apparently confused for a few brief seconds but were drawn back to the screen by a subtle piece of product placement when Leonardo Di Caprio, who is not unlike The Kid in terms of looks and talent, said "my, this Coca Cola sure is sweet," during a nineteen second close-up of a coke can in 3D.
It was just after this moment when two old ladies, who possibly witnessed the invention of the film camera back in their teenage years, made the fatal error of whispering softly and sweetly and cutely and caringly to each other for no longer, but also no less than, about 34 minutes, on the topic of whether Di Caprio was a Nazi during the war.
As The Kid In The Front Row glanced their way, his attention was also drawn to the kissing couple to the side of him whose kisses were unusually loud, as if they were were in a Foley effects recording session. At this precise moment a cinema employee came in. The Kid hoped this was to deal with the unruly noisemakers but it turns out he came into the screening because it's the only place in the building to get a good phone signal.
And then The Kid In The Front Row snapped. Of course, industry insiders had always feared that the Blogger and filmmaker, whose strength and abilities had been labelled as "a young Arnie with the coolness of Bruce Willis and the power of The Rock," would one day snap.
The Kid In The Front Row brutally killed all the cinemagoers and many staff, but it is hoped a jury will give him some leniency as he did stay for the credits.
