I was just about to put the finishing touches to my new screenplay, a heartfelt rom-com, when my lead male charcter, Eric, forgot he was in a rom-com and suddenly thought he was in the middle of an action film where he had to relieve the NYPD of their duties.
What follows is the dialogue from the final scene.
ABBY
I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
ERIC
Me too, you're my whole world.
ABBY
Let's go and live in the mountains and have children together.
ERIC
What's this?
ABBY
What's what?
ERIC
Why did you let them on the scene? Where's Maddox?
ABBY
What do you mean? I'm saying that we should start a family together.
ERIC
You can go home now, we've got it from here.
ABBY
Who's got what?
ERIC
FBI. This is our jurisdiction. Get outta here.
ABBY
Eric; you're confusing me. I love you --
ERIC
Yeah yeah, I get it. Six murders in three weeks and you think I'm gonna leave you alone with the body? Give me a break, Jones.
ABBY
Eric; you're scaring me.
ERIC
Scaring you, Jones?
ABBY
Ohhhh, I get it. You want to call our first kids Maddox and Jones. I could get used to that.
ERIC
Two sugars.
ABBY
What?
ERIC
In my coffee. Two sugars, thanks.
ABBY
But you don't drink coffee.
ERIC
Two sugars and call Maddox, Jones.
ABBY
This is the final scene of a rom-com, what is wrong with you?
ERIC
Do I look like someone who'd be in a rom-com to you? Would I be chewing gum like this if it was the final scene of a rom-com? Would I be carrying a gun?
ABBY
You don't have a gun.
ERIC
Listen, Kid. You're a good cop, but I've been on this job for 36 years.
ABBY
You're 23.
ERIC
What Jones?
ABBY
You're 23.
ERIC
Don't mess with me.