The Romantic Gesture

November 19th-December 19th 2011 is Rom-Com Season at Kid In The Front Row.

Once upon a time a king gave a feast

and there were all the most beautiful

princesses of the realm. Basta, one

of the guards, saw the king's

daughter: she was the loveliest of

all! And he immediately fell in love

with her. But what could a poor

soldier do compared with a king's

daughter?!...One day he managed

to meet her and told her he couldn't

live without her. The princess was so

struck by the depth of his feeling

that she said to the soldier 'If you

will wait a hundred days and a

hundred nights beneath my balcony,

then in the end I'll be yours.'

Christ, the soldier ran off there and

waited! One day, two days,

ten, twenty... every night she looked

out of her window, but he never

budged. Come rain, wind, snow, never

budged! The birds shat on him and the

bees ate him alive! After ninety

nights he was gaunt and pale and

tears streamed from his eyes but he

couldn't hold them back. He didn't

even have the strength to sleep any

more. The princess kept watch... and

on the ninety-ninth night, the

soldier got up, picked up his chair

and left!

This is the stuff that wrecks us, as human beings. We watch movies and we buy into the romance. Imagine what would happen if you waited outside a woman's house for a hundred days? Jeez, I get to her house ten minutes early and she'll read into it as me being 'too keen.'

Movies are insane. 

We're all romantic, all of us. And we all want the big loves and gestures. It's just that we don't want them in real life, we just want them in the movies.

At some point, we buy into the nonsense. We act on it. The big gesture. It doesn't work! Some people say it does work, but then two years later they're staring at their lawyers, waiting for the divorce to be finalized. 

So we play the game. The game of disinterest. The game of mild romance. We're a generation of mildly romantic people. We'll buy someone a pencil, as a gesture, and then immediately snap it in half just in case they think we're being 'too romantic'. 

Your instinct is to give someone the world. You remember that feeling? You were seventeen and you gave someone a present that meant the world. They took the present but they let you go. 

But we need it. We crave it. That's what makes the movies so enticing. 'Cinema Paradiso' is my favorite movie. I buy into the romance. But in the real world, you don't get an Ennio Morricone score and you don't get the girl chasing after you; you just get a text saying "Why the fuck did you stand under my balcony for a hundred days you freak!?"

WHAT ARE WE MEANT TO DO? How real are movies? How romantic is life? How real is real life? How romantic were people BEFORE movies? What are the boundaries? The cinema has forever fucked up everyone's chances of ever being happy. 

My new theory: Anyone who is TRULY happy in a relationship doesn't love movies. And anyone who truly loves movies is alone, miserable, and about to watch a DVD. So for all of us who are alone and miserable, at least we are here together. And that, after all, is what love and togetherness are all about. Actually, that's too romantic, don't read into it! Don't stop reading my blog! It's not meaningful at all! I didn't mean to over-romanticize, I'm sorry! 

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JOHN O'FARRELL - Writer Interview

I first discovered John O'Farrell in an airport. Well, I discovered one of his books. I genuinely did not want the flight to end because I was more engrossed in his writing than I had ever been before in pretty much anything.

From there on, I read everything of his I could get my hands on. Luckily, there was a lot of it out there, including his weekly Guardian column (which stopped in mid 2005). His books This Is Your Lifeand The Best A Man Can Get are two of the funniest books I've ever read. Period. 

I've just discovered, through my remarkable research, and by that I mean Wikipedia, that you started out doing stand-up comedy. How was that experience, and what made you realise that it wasn't for you after-all?

I started at University where it wasn’t hard to stand out, and so moved to London with a sub-Young Ones type character that I did a few times. I won a talent competition at Jongleurs but then made the mistake of doing an entirely new set in front of 400 pissed estate agents and some embarrassed friends of mine who had come along to support me. I thought I’d take a short break from stand up and it’s now been 26 years.

Who are your biggest influences?

My influences are many and varied and probably range from my parents to the last person I was talking to. I was very struck by Jonathan Swift and George Orwell as a teenager and I suppose I should talk about great authors. But the truth is I was more obsessed with sitcoms and sketch shows as I was developing as a wannabee comedy writer, so Monty Python and Clement and La Frenais and Galton and Simpson were bigger influences than Dostoyevsky.

You have, in the past, written weekly columns for The Independent and The Guardian - and I always found them hilarious, but thinking as a writer - I imagine it to be a huge pressure to be entertaining and funny, week in, week out. Did you feel that pressure?

More so at the beginning of my stint - I remember thinking ‘Wow – this is like doing the topicals for Spitting Image; I am under orders to be funny within the next few hours.’ In fact I was writing a comment piece, and the greater pressure was deciding what I thought about a particular subject. Does religious freedom extend to ritual slaughter of animals for example – I dunno.

My experience with writing comedy is that there are some things I do that people really like, and respond to -- but when I become too aware of them they become a kind of schtick, they're cheating. Do you know what I mean? Even when I read some of the great comedy writers like Woody Allen -- sometimes I find the writing hysterical, other times I think "No, he's just playing with words and being lazy" - do you ever have this problem?

I know what you mean, but the important thing is to surprise your audience by taking an unexpected turn. If your audience start to see the clockwork then you have been telling jokes in the same way for too long.

Are you a good judge of your own material?

It’s not really for me to say, but I generally agree with the verdicts on Amazon about which are my best books and which are not so strong.

I first read 'The Best A Man Can Get' on a flight to America, I guess this was like eight years ago. For the entire flight I could not stop laughing, to the point where it looked like I was having some kind of seizure. I bring this up now because, to be honest, it was a humiliating experience, especially for someone like me who is quite shy and likes to stay away from attention. My point is; you are responsible, and I am wondering if you can compensate me in some way or perhaps, at the very least, issue an apology?

If you had been on a train people might have seen what you were laughing at and might have at least bought a copy. I won’t apologise because the alternative was looking at all the crap in the duty free brochure and that’s even more hilarious.





I've always wanted to see your books as movies, because they are so funny, but I guess that -- so much of what is humorous is what you're doing with the words. Do you find that difficult to translate to the screen? I'm thinking back to some of the situations in the books, and of course -- the situations would be funny on screen, but you'd lose some of the inner thoughts of the characters.

I did actually write a screenplay for The Best a Man Can Get for Paramount, but the credit crunch came along at the same time that the studio head changed and they needed my script to put under his wobbly desk. I did the Robert McKee course in my twenties, so perhaps that gave me a screenwriter’s approach to story structure.

I never saw it, but I see that 'May Contain Nuts' was made into a TV movie. Were you happy with it?

It was adapted by my old writing partner Mark Burton who I think did a good job – although it did have to fit the shape of an ITV two parter.

How does the writing experience differ between fiction and non-fiction?

Fiction is harder but more satisfying. Plus my non-fiction has tended to be very ‘British’, so you don’t get the bonus of gaining new readers abroad.

What is your writing habit? Do you have a schedule? A particular place you like to write?

I keep office hours and like to work in the London Library in St James Sq if I can. When I work at home I always walk the dog first. I do my best stuff in the mornings, so if there are meetings or bits of filming being arranged I try to make sure they are towards the end of the day.

Do you suffer from writers block? And if so, how do you kick it?

I wrote my first history book because I didn’t have the right idea for a novel. But I am never unable to write anything. Just lower your standards and continue. You can always come back later and cut it all out.

One of the things I talk about a lot on the site, is that to be a writer, or musician, or actor -- basically, any kind of artist, is that it's a long journey. That you don't start out great, and that talent is not enough. You have to put the hours in. I am a big believer in the 10,000 hours theory. Looking back at your career - I see a real sense of growth -- starting out with stand up, a few bits of radio and article writing; and then onwards to television, novels, and your political work. It looks to me like you got better and better, year by year, and I'm wondering if you see it in the same way?

I’m not sure I got better and better but you do get more confident you can complete the task. I would never have imagined I could have finished a whole book, and yet now that bit doesn’t worry me. I do deliberately set myself new challenges though, writing a history book, or setting up a new comedy website or in the case of my new novel, writing a first person narrative in which the protagonist knows absolutely nothing about himself.

You are very politically active. I myself tend to hide away from anything that smacks of politics. Luckily, I can read you, because comedy is pretty much the only way I can stomach politics. Am I the kind of person you are writing for?

Actually I’m the kind of person I’m writing for – and then I just hope there are enough people who feel the same way.

Have you had a lot of rejection as a writer?

I had lots of stuff sent back from publishers or the BBC in my early 20s, but then when it took off, I went quite a long way fairly quickly, so I haven’t had to be too resilient. As a comedy writer doing lines for performers, most of the stuff wouldn’t make the final edit – but that was always part of the deal. So no, the rejection will come later, when people stop wanting to read the stuff…

What else do you want to achieve in your career?

I just want to keep writing funny books with something to say. Oh and maybe a play, and have a film, and bring down the government with one well-aimed joke – so nothing particularly ambitious.

John's new novel 'The Man Who Forgot His Wife' will be released released in March 2012.

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Vonda Shepard "Solo"

I love her new album. She's revisiting old tracks. It's great when artists do this. Joni Mitchell did it a few years ago, and do you remember the Bon Jovi album when they did acoustic tracks of their hits? That was the only album where I was a Bon Jovi fan.

There's something poignant about journeying back to key places and re-finding and re-imagining.

Most of Vonda's hits were covers. And now she's going back to the covers again, and doing them solo, on the piano.

Classics like 'Walk Away Renee' and 'You Belong To Me' -- she turned them into her own songs in the way few artists achieve with covers.

Her thing was always that she had a lot of heart.

Although a lot of people thought of her just as that annoying singer from 'Ally McBeal'.

But I always loved her stuff.

'Maryland' is one of my all time favorite songs. And 'Baby, Don't You Break My Heart Slow' is such a truthful and heartbreaking song. If you're a fan, this is a must have. If you're not a fan, I'll blog about something else soon.

But I'd rather you be mean,

Than love and lie,

I'd rather hear the truth,

And have to say goodbye. 

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Tuesday Dialogue #6: JOE BERLIN & STEFFI DANDRIDGE (Woody allen & Goldie Hawn)

They're in Paris. They've left the party and they've gone for a walk. They danced for a bit, and now, they're sitting down and sharing some thoughts.

STEFFI: You know over the years I often wondered what would have happened if we'd stayed together?


WOODY: That's something we're never gonna know, y'know? We've managed to produce a fabulous daughter though. I mean, she is unbelievable. She's got your-- your looks, fortunately, and my--my magic personality, so--


Yeah she is wonderful.


She's great -- and and you've been very happy with Bob, so that's--


Oh he's wonderful. He is.


I think he's great. I don't think you could have done better. I think he's a fabulous guy. Of course there have been a few times you'll admit; that uh, you did call me in dire emergency and I had to come by and bail you out, on a couple of things.


I know. 


Two major fights with Bob I remember. And one disgusting lump that turned out to be completely benign, so you panicked beyond belief---


I know, you were there for me. 


And you for me, y'know. And I-I appreciate it. I think, actually, we've been better friends than husband and wife. 


Yeah probably. But nobody made me laugh the way you did Joe. I love Bob with all my heart, it doesn't matter, it's just that you-- you could always, y'know, you could always push that button.


Why is that so important? 


I don't know. I don't know. Maybe we're crazy. 


So did that girl that dumped you today, did she make you laugh?


I don't know -- I have to put that behind, y'know.

Funny how life goes. 


It's amazing. Amazing. 

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Critics Are Vocal

Supporters are not.

Bear that in mind when you're getting trashed.

There are people who love what you do, they just don't realise you need to hear it.

But don't blame 'them'. Because I'm sure you do it too, love someone's work and never tell them, just point out when they fuck it up.

It's easier to criticise. Not sure why, we're just wired that way.

Change the wiring and you'll have a much more rewarding career. People will gravitate towards you.

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