Writing

I was thinking about how much of it comes from the heart. How much of it comes from needing to express something.

And how much of it comes from that nagging voice inside that cries "write write write!" like a broken record.

I write an astonishing amount, you have no idea. I am always working on scripts, articles, blogs, short stories, humorous status updates, lengthy email rants, and whatever else comes up. It's a constant. I have a group of friends who receive mini-fictional things from me on a near daily basis. I know it's not my best material, but they're very polite about it.

It's weird because those who know me think I just joyfully whip these pieces out of nowhere, just for fun. But so much of it is anything but.

I am writing this close to midnight. So many of my blogs come not out of creativity, but out of a constant voice in me that yells "write damnit write!". It's a constant pressure that, after years of being tweaked and improved, is able to force pretty good material out of me.

But it's not my best. The best comes when I let go, when I get away from my brain, when I experience new things, when genuinely new and unexpected insight comes.

Of course, this is very rare. I get too caught up in being 'the writer' and forget to live.

More often than not, these days, I have to talk myself out of writing; I write outwardly like I take caffeine inwardly -- it's an addiction. I force it out. So often I'm ten pages into a script or two paragraphs into a blog without even realising I've started them. It's like brushing my teeth, it just happens.

In many ways this helps me succeed as a writer.. I've put the hours of practice in. I got good. I can create material quick.

But pushing too much makes me lose the passion, it zaps the fun out of it, makes it harder to find the innocence and life in my words. Ambition, drive, work-rate, they're all great, but they can be destructive too.

I don't sleep. So much of that is because I think I've wasted the day and not created a masterpiece. So I stay up hatching some plan, which of course turns out to be terrible, because I'm so worn out by my crazy brain which screams "write, write, write" every moment of every second.

It takes discipline to write but it also takes discipline to not write.

I just wanted to share a bit about my crazy writer's issues, I hope you found it interesting.

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Seven Pounds / Rails & Ties

It's impossible to just love the films you love. You think you do, but you don't, because there are constant reinforcements and demands placed on you from outside, from society, about what makes a good film. You spend most of your time watching the same crap that everyone else watches; and the questions are constantly demanded of you --- is 'The King's Speech' as great as they said? Is 'Pulp Fiction' a masterpiece? Is 'It's A Wonderful Life' a wonderful movie? 

There are some people who rebel against this. Spend their nights purposely watching Horror B-Movies, or obscure Japanese anime. But it's rarely organic, rarely just a natural interest -- more often, it's a reaction to everyone and everything else. There is a lot of watching films out of duty--- this gets even worse when you work in the industry; you watch 'The Artist' and 'Shame' regardless of whether they interest you. 

In the last two days I've watched "Rails & Ties", a small movie from 2007 starring Kevin Bacon and directed by Alison Eastwood, and I also re-watched "Seven Pounds" starring Will Smith, directed by Gabriele Muccino. 

I love both of these movies. They capture what I love about cinema. 

"Seven Pounds" made a lot of money, but it didn't win a lot of fans. The critics hated it and the public wanted the usual Will Smith they were getting accustomed to seeing every summer. This was not it. It was a risk, that didn't pay off critically, but it did artistically (in my opinion). 

"Rails & Ties" was Alison Eastwood's directorial debut, and yes; she is Clint's daughter. The film is about a train driver whose train collides with a car on the track; killing the woman in it. It was a suicide, but the question remained, could Tom (Kevin Bacon) have slowed down the train to avoid disaster? The woman's son Davey (Miles Heizer) certainly thought so -- and the 10 year old tracked down Tom to confront him about it. Tom's wife Megan (Marcia Gay Harden) is in the final stages of terminal cancer. It's a horrible situation for all; a boy with a dead Mother, a man with a dying wife, and the wife who never had a child, whose husband is pulling away from her. All of this is remarkably poignant. It's a film about three people for whom life has lost meaning. Through the unusual and bizarre circumstances, they find that they need each other. Tom and Megan begin caring for Davey, and hiding the fact from child services (because of course it would be illegal). 

The weirdest thing is that, as a viewer, we believe in what they're doing. It feels right, even though it's hugely against societal norms, and if we heard a case like this in real life, we'd demand they go to jail. That's the one great thing that movies teach us, we never know the real story, we never know people's true intentions, we just stick to societal rules and stereotypes. 

"Seven Pounds" is a beautiful and subtle movie, and shares some similarities with "Rails & Ties". Ben (Will Smith), like Tom, is responsible for some deaths (he got into a car accident while looking at his phone). He decides to heal this wrong by committing suicide, but in a way that helps save seven other lives with his extreme selfless generosity. It seems cheesy, preposterous; and, having seen all the critics reviews, perhaps it is, but it worked for me. 

It's so easy to moan about the film industry, about how good films don't get made any more. These films are evidence that this isn't true; because they're great movies. But then again, perhaps you think they're terrible movies -- which is an even more important answer. Because how can anyone try to make a great movie, when we all interpret them so differently? We all agree on "Casablanca" and "Shawshank Redemption", aside from those, it comes down to personal preference. 

My true honest preferences seem to be for subtle human stories that have integrity, authenticity, and heart, that average around 6.7/10 on IMDB. Can they make films for me? Not intentionally. 

You should watch "Rails & Ties". Even if you don't like it as much as I did, you'll see a great performance from Kevin Bacon. He has a knack for taking unusual and risky roles. I find him so much more interesting than the bigger box office draws. The film also has a wonderful and amazingly upbeat ending -- and it's all achieved by a few looks, a piece of music, and a final shot. Truthfulness and subtlety, such a rarity, but wonderful when you find it. 

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valentine

i have this problem
i like you
can't get it out of town
can't kick it out the way

i have this trouble
I want you
can feel it in the room
can see there's no way out
you can't really wanna know

-you could look right up at me
got nothing left to hide
just can't get it out my mouth
what you could mean to me

i have this worry
i miss you
can't give you a whole day
can't feel which way to go

i have this nightmare
i love you
can see it fall right through
can give it all away
you don't really wanna know

-you could look right up at me
got nothing left to hide
just can't get it out my mouth
what you could mean to me

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Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You

Strange that this was written by Dolly Parton, because it's always seemed like such a Whitney Houston song, don't you think? That happens sometimes. Neil Diamond wrote "Midnight Train To Georgia" but it's the version by Gladys Knight & The Pips that resonates.

I think Whitney Houston understood the song better than Dolly Parton did. "Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me." The whole song plays like a bittersweet memory. It feels like a love song at first until you realise how it's something far more complicated. The woman's jaded, the love is gone. All she can do is love something that isn't there anymore. She's serenading a guy who, it seems, isn't even listening.

"If I, should stay, I would only be in your way." Was there ever a sadder and more truthful opening line in the history of music? Whitney's heart seems to break on the opening word "If", and the way her voice swerves and bends on the word "way", it's as if you hear her heart faltering all inside one word.

We can write songs like this off as cheesy, but there's a reason you always hear it on the radio. Same with "Nothing compares 2 U" by Sinead O'Connor, they ring true. They capture the heart, breaking. Most artists are too scared to spill out their guts, just like people are in life.

Despite the drugs and controversy, people will mourn the loss of Whitney Houston in a big way, and it's largely down to this song. It's the one track of hers that everyone can name.

"We both know I'm not what you need, and I will always love you." Isn't it horrible!? I love you, you don't need me, goodbye. She's that loser who clings on, long after the love died. And we would ridicule her if the song didn't happen to be about every single one of us at one time or another.

RIP WHITNEY HOUSTON

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This Day In My Life Will Forever Be Recorded...

..in a CD I made.

I've done it all my life. Probably since I was about 8. Then, of course, it was tapes. When I got into my teens, I began labelling them by date. When I was 17 or so, I'd make CD's pretty much every day, because music is so powerful at that age.

Now I don't really have the time or patience to make myself a CD that often, but occasionally I do. Today, I had a weird day -- one of those days when you can't be productive and you're just annoying yourself, and every thought in your head is just stupid and annoying and going nowhere.

I didn't know what was going on, or what I was meant to do with myself -- until it hit me suddenly. I want to listen to some music.
So I did. Recorded is an 80 minute track of the songs I listened to.

A good mix tells a story; a far bigger and more personal story than is often achieved in more traditional forms. I guess it's because you get to cheat and use other people's art. Bob Dylan is always going to be a lot more profound than I am.

Not that I meant to be profound. I just listened to music.

But you soon realize, nobody just listens to music. Your tastes, your choices, your decisions; they all come in to it. Maybe not so much when you hit shuffle. But when you sit down for an hour and a half with the sole intention of indulging in music -- the personal nature of it is undeniable.

Do you want to hear it? An 80 minute mp3, which I'll upload somewhere for you to download, if you're interested. Who knows, you might find a new favourite song, or reconnect with a song that you let go of some years back. Chances are, you'll learn something about me too.

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