THE WOMAN IN BLACK Script Pitch Meeting

The WOMEN IN BLACK pitch meeting.

WRITER

I have an idea.

EXEC

Fire away.

WRITER

A man walks around a haunted house.

EXEC

Okay...

WRITER

What do you think?

EXEC

I like it. Carry on.

WRITER

What do you mean?

EXEC

Continue your pitch.

WRITER

That's it. A man walks around a haunted house.

EXEC

Will anything else happen?

WRITER

No.

EXEC

You want us to make a piece of pointless garbage?

WRITER

How is that different to usual?

EXEC

We cover it up by attaching stars.

WRITER

You could use the Harry Potter guy.

EXEC

He's about 15.

WRITER

We can make him look a little bit older.

EXEC

How?

WRITER

Give him a tiny bit of facial hair.

EXEC

I'm not sure he's capable of that. I'll call the special effects guys.

WRITER

We could also give him a kid.

EXEC

I'd rather just pay him money like usual.

WRITER

I mean his character could have a kid, it will make him seem older.

EXEC

This totally changes your idea.

WRITER

How's this: a manboy has a child. He goes to a haunted house and walks around for a while. The End.

EXEC

I'm greenlighting this. 

PLEASE NOTE: This dialogue is of course fictional, and the film is actually an adaptation of a book, where I assume a character who looked a lot like Harry Potter walked around a haunted house for 300 pages or so and then it ended.

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Dancing Queen

There I was, heading towards the platform at Tottenham Court Road, and I could hear the sound of a busker playing "Dancing Queen" on saxophone.

A feeling rises up in me, I don't even know what it is. Maybe it's the memory of hearing it at my Aunt's wedding when I was 8 or maybe it's just the pure fun and joy of the song itself. Anyways, I crave it like crazy 'cos what this guy is doing sounds so much like LIFE! Isn't that why we love art? Isn't this why we continually want to find music that resonates? I'm making my way home after seeing 'The Woman In Black', and it sucked so bad! Such an awful movie. I thought I'd get all filled up on a movie but it turns out I'd get my fix from a busker doing an ABBA tune.

And then his next track: "Baker Street" by Gerry Rafferty. Hell yeah! That's one of those songs you really hate but really love. And it reminds me of Dito's movie "A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints" and it reminds me of every time me and my friends have played air-sax to the tune.

The tube train rolled into the station, but I didn't board it! I ran upstairs to get closer to the music. Music can really suck sometimes, just turn on the radio and you'll see. We get our fixes in different places. There are three drunk girls opposite me on the train right now, they're being obnoxious and loud, singing some song (I think they're Brazilian, hard to tell). As much as they're pissing me off, I can't help but enjoy it a little, because they're singing and finding their fix. Music that means something to them, it's come from their culture. Or maybe they're singing gibberish and are high on cocaine, who knows! But it sounds to me like they're loving it.

Once upon a time they invented the camera and the radio (I don't mean the drunk Brazilian girls), and humans craved it, and they trusted that they'd be entertained, they'd get their natural highs from the novelty, from the artists. But then big business took over, it was all about singles sales and box office receipts. You had to please everybody to get seen by anybody, or you went underground and played a different game to the system.

Now it's blown right open. People don't even know where to rent a movie or download a track anymore - the whole thing is in chaos. We go to the cinema, we listen to the radio, we see the stars being interviewed on TV, but how often do we stumble upon magic? How often does it resonate through to our very core? Hardly ever. Don't look to the old safe bets, don't expect the chart music to give you what you need. You have to go to different places, you have to be open, you have to go underground, just as I did, literally, tonight.

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The Feedback Friend

AMY
I have a problem with the dialogue, it doesn't flow.

RAY
To where?

AMY
It doesn't make any sense.

RAY
Of course.

AMY
What?

RAY
What?

AMY
I'm trying to give you feedback on the script.

RAY
I like it.

AMY
Your script?

RAY
Your feedback.

AMY
Can we review your script before we review my review?

RAY
Yeah.

AMY
The dialogue is like, well, not real.

RAY
In what way is it not real?

AMY
People don't talk like that.

RAY
Why not?

AMY
Because they speak in other ways.

RAY
There's always someone who talks differently, and that's how my characters speak.

AMY
No.

RAY
I once knew a man who started every sentence with the phrase "Oh my jolly lord."

AMY
Really?

RAY
No I made that up. My point is people talk in all different ways, just like in my script.

AMY
Nobody actually speaks that badly.

RAY
Only politicians.

AMY
Your jokes don't work either, they're very badly executed.

RAY
Is there anything you like?

AMY
Jewelry.

RAY
Amy.

AMY
Yes.

RAY
Is there anything you like about the script?

AMY
I thought the ending was contrived.

RAY
And you liked that?

AMY
Yes, I was happy that it ended.

RAY
You liked the ending?

AMY
I think endings should always be abrupt.

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Any Any Everything

They bolted out of town on a train hurtling towards anywhere, like it was their last chance to finally be young and free. They took off determined to get to anyplace, all rushed to get there knowing this was the last time they'd truly live.

Life had been dying slowly for years, meetings and schedules and places to be all set up and ready like clockwork. They were gone and the train whizzed past everywhere and was headed to the specific place they needed to be: anywhere!

To be young and free and alive with no plans, that was the plan. All laughing, fighting, dreaming, smiling! Like the last hooray of childhood and teendom all wild and crazy in anywhere just North of everywhere.

They hit the platform and the train waved goodbye so they rushed to the hills all wet with rain and sprinted forever and never slowed down. Life was here and life is here and they were so happy to be anywhere. Their phone signals said "no" so they danced a happy dance and fled to the trees all giggling and free and excited by being nowhere and nothing yet somehow precisely EVERYTHING they could ever be.

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Word Of Mouth

It's the only currency that sells in the modern era. Used to be that you could put an A-Lister on a poster and it was guaranteed, but things are different now, we have the internet.

It's being sold as a great opportunity, that everyone can get their work seen. Truth is it's mostly a way to get NOT seen, because nobody cares about your work. If you look at the statistics, you see how little people are interested. I have 1,000 people on the Facebook fan page for this site. But when I post something new, only 21 follow through (on average).

It's not the fan pages or the tweets that do the work, its actually the precious few who follow through. If what they read/watch isn't great, then it won't get passed on and shared.

And that's what this is really all about, word of mouth. You have to be GREAT in this day and age. You can't cheat it. Even if you pay thousands of people to tweet your project, NOBODY CARES! Nobody is committed.

Facebook pages, Twitter, etc, they're great tools but they're not the answer. The answer is better material. I watched a TED talk the other day, and the guy was talking about viral comedy, and how we CAN'T WAIT to share a funny joke. You see it on YouTube, you see it from that friend who always texts you offensive jokes.

It's not just comedy, it's anything that reaches the heart, we can't help but share it.

A strong recommendation from someone who is personally trusted is worth more than a thousand random impressions. I was having a meal with friends on Monday night and I said "Oh my God, 'Chronicle' is so awesome, I had so much fun watching it!" My friend John immediately turned to his wife and said "we're definitely seeing it now!". They're going this weekend. We talked about heaps of new movies, and I mostly said "yeah it's alright", and they weren't sold. But my energy regarding 'Chronicle' sparked them into action.

You can repost your article or short film a hundred times but it doesn't mean anything. If the juice is there, people will connect. And if they do, they'll bring an audience to you!

We are in an age where greatness sells. It's just that no-one believes it, they think we still need to try and appeal to the masses. Do the best you can do, your personal vision, put your whole heart into it and people will respond, but only if it's GREAT.

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