AMERICAN PIE Presents: BAND CAMP / THE NAKED MILE / BETA HOUSE / THE BOOK OF LOVE

"Perhaps I just don't get the movie business, but I never thought they could squeeze three more sequels out of this franchise just by naming random characters Stifler." 

-Member review on IMDB by 'sandcooler'

Last week I was talking to my friend Carl about the American Pie Week I'm running on the blog. Seven days, purely focused on the pie. The problem was, I only had 6 articles. Something was missing -- but what was it? I considered writing a post about the music of 'American Pie', or a 'what have they been up to?' article about the actors in the last ten years, but none of those ideas excited me.

And then as we talked some more it became apparent; the missing link; the thing that had to be done.

I'd have to watch the straight-to-DVD releases.

I told Carl I'd do it, but only if he joined me. He agreed. We also roped in my friend Pete to do the same.

Much to my dismay, the DVD night arrived. Carl bailed. Naturally, I haven't spoken to him since. Pete and I soldiered on and watched them all, back-to-back.

After 'American Pie: Wedding', the cast and crew happily called it a day and moved on to other things. But someone, somewhere at Universal, thought it would be a great idea to carry on the franchise. Someone gave Brad Riddell permission to write the screenplay.

'American Pie Presents Band Camp', is quite honestly one of the worst films I have ever seen.Tad Hilgenbrink plays Matt Stifler; the younger brother of the original Stifmeister. Here's my description of the film.

Matt Stifler is struggling at school. So the school counsellor, The Sherminator, sends him to Band Camp for the summer. At band camp, Stifler decides to set up video cameras everywhere, so that he can capture everyone having sex, and all the women naked in the showers, so that he can make a porn film. 

To describe Matt Stifler: on of the one hand, he seems obsessed with sex, but mostly he just seems extremely retarded. His love interest; Elyse, initially hates him; but at some point inexplicably becomes interested in him for no reason at all. Some romance is about to occur, but them some random hot girls turn up at band camp, and Matt Stifler decides to show them the rough edit of his band camp porn film. 

Poor Elyse, who's waiting for Stifler to meet her at night on the dock, gives up him and returns to her dorm room. On the way, Stifler's door opens, and she sees herself on the laptop screen, naked in the shower. 

NOW! Let's think for a second. Women, I have a question for you! If you were at band camp and discovered that you were being filmed in every room by a pervert --- would you a) Call the police? b) Call your parents? c) Scream! d) Beat the hell out of him, or e) Shrug, look awkward, linger in slow motion, and then return to your bedroom.

Elyse chose 'e'. 

After that, Stifler returns to his school and the Sherminator says that he is happy with his improved behaviour. The end. 

I rarely trash films on Kid In The Front Row. I know how hard it is to make movies, let alone good ones. But 'American Pie Band Camp' and the other three cheapo-American Pie movies are some of the most embarrassing attempts at filmmaking I've ever seen. They're morally bankrupt, atrociously written, and most of the time; lacking in any story or plot at all.

I rate 'Band Camp' 0/10.

'American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile' begins in a mildly improved way, if only because Erik Stifler (John White) is more of a likable fella, rather than the severely retarded and perverted guy from the last movie.

I watched this film LAST NIGHT! But I really struggle to have much to say about it. Here's what I remember of the film.

Erik Stifler is still a virgin. This is unheard of in the Stifler family. After accidentally killing his Grandmother with a stray cumshot, he decides to go with his friends to 'The Naked Mile', an annual event where college students run naked, for a mile. Oh, and his girlfriend, who is not quite ready to have sex, gives him a 'free pass', so that he can go have sex that weekend. 

The film meanders on for about an hour or so, where the hopelessly forgettable characters wander into parties, drink, see boobs, then go somewhere else and see more boobs.

Eventually, the Naked Mile thing happens and Jim's Dad introduces it, everyone runs for a mile. 

I think this was also the film where a bunch of midgets play an American Football match against the main characters. This lasts for 15 minutes and has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. 

The film ends with Erik Stifler returning to his girlfriend. The End. 

I rate 'The Naked Mile' 0.5/10. It is 0.5 higher than the previous film due to attempting to have a likable lead character.

'American Pie Presents: Beta House' is the 6th film in the franchise. It's the third of the straight to DVD spinoffs. And it's a sequel to the second film. So I guess, to sum things up, we can say it's a sequel to the second spinoff of the six movies. Yeah, that makes sense.

I hope you can feel the excitement I felt at preparing to see 'Beta House'.

Here's the lowdown:

Erik Stifler and his friends go to college; see some breasts, and do a bunch of respectable tasks to get into the 'Beta House', such as eating horse semen. 

Lots of women get their breasts out, and the guys stroll into various scenes which rarely have anything resembling story or plot. 

Jim's Dad turns up for the 6th film in a row. No real reason for it but there he is. 

A bunch of montages happen and sexual exploits. 

The End. 


I rate 'Beta House' 0/10.

'American Pie Presents: The Book Of Love'

There's a random Stifler in this film. They don't even explain whether he's a brother, or a cousin; he's just called Stifler. A camp, awkward, badly acted Stifler.

'The Book Of Love' refers to the sex manual from the original movie.

Here's what went down:

Rob (Bug Hall) is a bland dude who wants to have sex. His friends want sex too. They go to college or a trip or something---- zzzzz, I really don't care anymore. 

There's montages, breasts, parties.

With twenty minutes left, the whole 'Book' storyline kicks in randomly. 

A bunch of nothing happens. 

The end. 

I'm not sure I even like films anymore. This has ruined it. I watched the films with my friend Pete. Here's his description of 'The Book Of Love':

"An hour of not much, then they found a book, made a book. Tits. That's about it."

I rate 'The Book Of Love' 0/10. 

My summary of the four 'movies':

WTF? I don't understand these films! I don't get why people would watch them! They are just absolutely retarded. THERE IS NOT ONE GENUINE LAUGH IN THE WHOLE FOUR FILMS! I have never met anyone with a low enough IQ to enjoy these movies.

I just don't GET IT, at all. Some of the worst writing and directing I have ever seen.

WHY CALL THEM AMERICAN PIE? Why do it?

Did Eugene Levy need the pay cheque that badly? Was so surprised to see him in such awful movies. I hope they paid him well!

Why didn't they hire decent writers? Even if they knew it would be straight to DVD. Fair enough, Adam Herz was done with it, and no great screenwriter would want to go near it. But there must have been better upcoming screenwriters who could have maybe penned an original joke or two? Or the producers could have at least given the writers some screenwriting books to take a look at.

I am uneasy being this negative about films, but these are genuinely atrocious. I wouldn't even make my ex-girlfriend sit through them.

PLEASE AVOID THESE MOVIES AT ALL COSTS!!!!!

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AMERICAN PIE: THE WEDDING

"Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls!"

-Michelle.

It's the easiest thing in the world to pick apart the sequels and moan about the problems. But at the end of 'American Wedding', which was meant to be the last in the franchise, you can't help but feel it's been a journey worth being invested in. As Michelle and Jim dance their first dance, to Van Morrison's 'Into the Mystic', it dawns on you that you care a lot about these people.

They cleared out the dead wood. Oz, Heather and Vicky were pointless in the second movie, so it made sense that they were missing from this one. In truth, Kevin was equally redundant in the third instalment, he was just there to keep the numbers up. Stifler was supercharged. His actions seemed to border on mental illness at times. He was a caricature of who he was in the earlier movies. Was he funny or not? It's hard to say. Some moments seem to go overboard, and others are classic Stifmeister. 

I always disliked the scenes with the strippers at Jim's house. But looking at it again, even though it just seemed like a pointless excuse to get some breasts on show, it did actually serve a purpose, setting up the return of Jim with Michelle's parents. Hilarity ensued.

Michelle is a hilarious character, and Allison Hannigan deserves great recognition for her creation. She's insane, but she's got real heart. January Jones, as Cadence, was a welcome addition, although the Finch/Stifler storyline seemed weaker than I remember previously. They build up this great battle between the two guys, over Cadence, and then at the end, Finch just seems to drift away and then settles for Stifler's Mom (again). It seems lazy, somehow. The Stifler's Mom joke is old, finished. But I guess people expected it. 

The 'American Pie' films always stretched believability. The trick is making it believable in the MOMENT.  In 'American Pie 2', it was ridiculous to make us believe that Stifler would mistake the MILF Guy's pee for champagne. But it worked! Just like the beer gag in the first film. But Stifler eating dog shit? It's a stretch! You feel like he could have just been honest, and said "Hey, it's dog shit!". And the insistence of Michelle's parents, demanding a 'nibble', just seems highly unlikely.

That's the difference between great comedy and average comedy. How well the ridiculous can be made believable.

--------- Have you noticed how my tone is different in this article to the others? I'm not as enthusiastic. I guess that's my sequel cynicism coming out that I mentioned in my first American Pie post. Also, when I wrote about 'American Pie' I said that the 6.9 on the IMDB scale was a false low, but with 'American Pie: The Wedding', I feel like 6.1 is exactly right. 

We love the characters. And there are moments in 'Wedding' where we go with them. But a lot of this film, it just doesn't work, it's not funny. I want to love every second of it, really; I do, but it's hard! Stifler is a bit too off the charts crazy, and Finch's story progressively weakens, and Kevin just seems to be hanging around pointlessly. It's frustrating to watch. 

The first slice of pie came in 1999. The third film was released in 2003. That's a lot of material, based on the same characters, to force out of one writer. So I don't blame Adam Herz. I love his writing, his characters, and I hope to see more from him. In an interview with ign.com after the film's release in 2003, Herz said "There won't be another one. Simply because I don't have any stories left to tell about these guys... When you do any story, you want some characters to take an emotional journey... And look, with American Wedding, when Stifler has learned something, there's nobody left to learn... I can't do it. That would bother me, if they did another movie."

You get the feeling that, in truth, there wasn't enough material to fill out the whole of the third installment. Despite all this, I like it. And as I said at the beginning of the article -- when you see the friends on the dance floor at the end; the imperfectness of the sequels fall away and we are left with a warm feeling of getting to know these wonderful characters and their hilarious situations.

It was wrapped up nicely. The Wedding, what a perfect way to end it. 

But wait, there's more? Funny how time changes your perspective on things. When they announced 'American Reunion', I didn't feel any sequel cynicism at all. I was just plain excited. And THAT'S what's important. These characters resonated with me, they meant something; and the fact they would return after so many years was exciting to me. 

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AMERICAN PIE 2

"My name's Petey. Thank you. And I have gigantic balls!"

-Jim

Did it need to exist? Probably not. The first one was perfect, the second one just wanted to ride the wave.

But I loved the characters. It was good to just hang out with the guys again.

The sequel survives on the characters and set pieces. The first one had a strong structure--- it was all about the build up to the prom, and the sex. The sequel was much like where the story was set; a pointless summer vacation, but one where lots of fun happens.

The scene at band camp where Jim gets mistaken for Petey, the special needs trumpeter, is absolutely masterful. And it doesn't rely on sex. It's harmless, silly and hilarious.

Same thing goes for the scene where Stifler breaks into the house of the 'lesbians' and finds a dildo. Jim and Finch follow him in--- and then of course, the women return home, and the lads are stuck in the house, forced to hide in the bedroom.

But for every masterful scene, there are moments that struggle. When the women find them in the bedroom, what follows is a scene where they mess with the guys, forcing them to touch and kiss each other in return for some lesbian action. It's a nice idea, but lasts five minutes too long.

In the first film, everything weaves together perfectly. In the sequel, they don't seem to know what to do with all the characters. Kevin and Vicky? Boring! Oz and Heather? Snorefest! I guess they just wanted to keep as many original cast members together as possible. But the phone sex storyline was coma inducing. Oz and Heather were adorable in the original, but this was just pointless.

The film got better halfway through, that's when the key story really took shape. I'm talking, of course, about Jim and Michelle, who have always been the heart of the franchise. Looking back at this film --and this is purely speculation on my part-- but you get the sense that they tried overly hard to make it as funny, outrageous and shocking as the original; and because of it, there's a lack of focus --- but it's saved because of Jim and Michelle. They bring an honesty and openness to it, which makes things more balanced, it makes us believe in it more. 

And then there's Jim's Dad. And Stifler. The fact is: these characters are hilarious, which is mostly a good thing but it means there was always a risk of overkill. It's like watching 'Friends', you know Joey is Joey, but they have to keep it in check, because if you cross the line, everyone quickly gets disinterested.  In the years since this film came out, the Stifler jokes have aged, yet Jim's Dad still rings true.

Ultimately, this film is nowhere near as strong as the original. Having said that, some moments are HILARIOUS. I'd totally forgotten about Jim gluing himself to himself with one hand, and to the 'Pussy Palace' VHS in the other. That whole sequence is golden.

'American Pie 2' is just about passable as a sequel. The characters are lovable and some of the sequences are genuinely hilarious. But overall, it's a piecemeal effort. A bunch of jokes hacked together with convenient storylines that exist purely to make them possible.

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AMERICAN PIE

"What exactly does third base feel like?"

-Jim

I think the original 'American Pie' was a bit of a masterpiece. I know we're not meant to label teen comedies as masterpieces - but I love it, I think it's a fantastic movie. And yes, I'm biased. I feel personally attached to it. I guess it's an age thing; it's generational. I was the perfect age to be affected by this movie when it first came out. 

So much of 'American Pie' became iconic; Jim dancing for Nadia. Stifler drinking the beer. Jim's Dad. Finch shitting in the women's toilets. The phrase 'MILF'. The pie fucking.

That's why the 6.9 on the IMDB scale is a false number, because it has been more influential than half of the films that score 8 and above. 'American Pie' was an important film. It's easy to disregard teen comedies, but this one had something special about it.

They set the tone from the first scene. Jim, a porn channel with bad reception, and a sock. Yet all the films that ripped off 'Pie' in the years that proceeded it missed the point, just like the blockbusters that came after 'Jaws' missed the mark ---- the film had heart.

Yes, it's a film about four guys trying to get laid. And yes, it's crude. Yet somehow, we love them. Quite remarkable, considering the awful things they do. If I filmed a girl undressing in my bedroom and then broadcast it without her permission to hundreds of people, it would be unacceptable, disgusting, probably even land me in jail. In the film it's charming, and oddly -- we feel for Jim. We feel his desperation, his loserness. When you're a teenager, you don't have a clue what you're doing. You try and fit in, try and get laid, and try to impress your friends.

On the surface it's a film about boys trying to get girls into bed, but really it's a film about guys figuring out how women work, coming to terms with what love is. That's the best thing about American Pie, its sincerity.

Watching it again reminded me of how much I loved it. I know every line of dialogue. I've probably seen this film twenty five times. I realised how some of the dialogue and funny lines are things I say in real life; they've become embedded in me. I'd forgotten where they came from. Isn't it amazing how movies do that? They become part of your DNA.

I've got to confess that so many of my favourite movies are my favourites simply because: they're a blast! They're so much fun. This is the perfect example of that. I've always been the type of guy who loves the first twenty minutes of movies, and then gets pissed off when all the conflict and plot stuff comes along. Sometimes I just wanna get the feeling of hanging out with great people. I love it when movies allow for that. That's exactly what this film did. And luckily it had all the other elements too.

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AMERICAN PIE Week on KITFR

"Sure it may be a cash in, but I want to see the Ghostbusters again. I want to see Woody and Buzz argue. We fall in love with characters and they inform our childhoods, our teenage years, and we always long for them. "They don't make them like they used to," we say. We think we miss the stories but most of the time we miss the people."

-KITFR on 'Scream 4'. 

This week, I'm focusing exclusively on the 'American Pie' franchise. Why? I'm a fan. When I heard they were doing a new movie, I was immediately excited. This is difficult for me, because I've always had a troubled relationship with sequels, remakes, and reboots. Generally; I disagree with them on principle. But what is that principle? I don't really know. 

And it's not like I feel that strongly about it. As I explored a few years ago, the inner-grumpiness I often feel when remakes are announced, disappears as soon as I'm sitting down and watching the new movie. I enjoyed the new Karate Kid film. And then there was 'Scream 4', which I thought was amazing. But it's a different kind of amazing. More than anything, sometimes it's just great to see faces you know, people you grew up with. It's nice to know what they're doing ten years later.

That was the appeal when I heard there'd be a new American Pie film. The thought of seeing Jim, Oz, Michelle and Nadia again was exciting! After three movies (let's not even discuss the straight to DVD movies that came after 'The Wedding') it was, rightly, time to call it a day. The joke had run out, we were tired of Stifler, and Jim's Dad had given just about all the advice he could give. 

But time is an interesting thing. Going to see a new American Pie film is much like adding an old school friend on Facebook. You're unsure whether you should, but you can't help but be curious and hope a little of the old magic will still be there. 

So, yeah. I'm a fan. I decided to watch the first three movies again and write about my thoughts. And then I'll tell you what I think of the new one.

American Pie week will run from April 24th - April 30th here on Kid In The Front Row. 

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