Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too

1. As The Guardian and New York Times have been writing about recently; most book reviews on Amazon are duffs. Paid for by the authors to drum up interest. You can't trust the reviews.

2. Film Trailers are meaningless. They're not cut by the people who create the movies. They're thrown together by marketing people who'll do anything to get you into a cinema.

3. We've been sold the paradigm that release dates are important, that a new movie is an event. But a movie is just a movie, and a new release is not indicative of quality, despite what the press would have you believe. It's like with music; is the new Rihanna track likely to be better than a Beatles classic? No, it's just newer. But newer means nothing in art.

4. Hollywood movies have giant marketing budgets. The awards buzz, the break-up stories, the praise; it's all fabricated. Forced upon us. They spend as much marketing the movies as they do making them. The movie might suck, but they can send the star to sit on the couch at Letterman or Jonathan Ross to charm you. You think because Denzel Washington is a good TV guest that the movie must be good, but of course this is ridiculous.

5. They want us to believe that a movie is good simply because we hear everyone talking about it. But again, that's just the marketing team doing their work. That's the $50million marketing budget. A great indie flick doesn't have the resources. The best movie you could ever see may have been made in Ohio in 2004 but you'll never hear about it because it can't gain a foothold. And word of mouth from zero is hard.

6. The modern myth is that great quality always goes viral, but it's not the case, at least not with movies. Sure, a 30 second comedy clip goes viral based on quality, but not a two hour movie. It needs recognition from higher up the food chain -- but getting to these people is hard.

7. 'Once' only went crazy-insane after Spielberg endorsed it.

8. The cinema is the only place where you choose to repeat bad experiences. They've got it into our heads that the NEXT movie will be the great one we've been longing for, but how often is that the case?

9. It's about finding voices you trust, people that are in for for the right reasons. For me that's: The Duplass Brothers, Aaron Sorkin, Ricky Gervais, Lena Dunham, Spike Lee, Martin Scorcese, Greta Gerwig. Who is it for you?

10. This stuff is relevant to people new to the industry and it's relevant to the ones who have been in it for years: let's not lose sight of why we love movies, there is always the possibility of achieving greatness, if only we have the audacity to TRY!

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Thoughts on MOVIES

I only want to see greatness! Movies that say something! Rare, I know, but that's what I'm after.

Feel free to recommend stuff. There's so much I miss, probably because I'm in a cinema watching 'Ted'.

A Hollywood director said to me recently,"it's impossible to make good movies here", that's how dire it is. He's part of a system that sucks the life out of creativity. Whenever Hollywood makes a good movie, it's a fluke. Most movies are shockingly bad.

I'm not one of those guys who reviews every movie that comes out. Credit to those bloggers who watch everything and write lengthy reviews of them, and often for tiny readerships. I'm in awe of your patience and hard work, but I can't do it!

Life is short. I know a guy who died a few weeks back suddenly, he was 26. Same thing happened a week before to a guy who was 29. That's how it goes; life is fast and it ends. I choose movies, they're my love, but not the bad ones. We don't have enough time to be watching the studio dross.

I want to see magic. I want to see genuine connections between characters, and endings that are earned, that honour the rest of the story; I've had enough of hacked together bullshit. It's like those recent Sandler and Stiller films, even the kids think they're a bag of shit. These guys were once comedic geniuses, now their job is just to turn up.

It's like all of Hollywood thinks the job is just turning up. They turn great screenwriters into studio hacks. Their ideas quickly quashed by executives who think they know better. And they do know better -- they know how to make money.

The films are awful. The ticket prices high. The popcorn extortionate. The screens in disrepair.

The problem isn't technology, it's that the product they're peddling sucks. And sure, people eat up the superhero movies, and lucky they do, because the studios have squeezed out the in-betweens. Their indie-divisions shut down, their $80million dollar movies lacking in imagination and relying on names to get them ticket sales.

It really is an assembly line. We sit there and get duped by the trailers, we think we'll see something original.

Great films still happen, I know they're out there, but there are precious few coming out of Hollywood. We've become so content that we claim films are great when really we've been swayed by the hype. It's unlikely anything you saw in the last few years really stuck.

The King's Speech anyone? The Artist wasn't even that great, it just reminded us of what a story is. And they told us Cabin in the Woods was the greatest horror in years, but that's because there's hardly any competition!

Films are not always an art form. Often, they're just a turd on a screen.

I'm after greatness. The stuff that makes you so excited you have to tell EVERYONE. It happens to me maybe once a year. If you've had that feeling recently, please tell me about it, tell me why you loved the film -- we need those stories.

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Most Movies Are Made Just To Give People Something To Do

Ben Stiller has a nice house. And probably a nice pool. Same goes for Vince Vaughn and everyone involved in 'THE WATCH'. They all have to keep working, so they can keep affording their lifestyles. And also, as grown men, it's important to have a reason to get up in the morning. Their going to the film-set is just like a guy going to work at the store, or the office; it's a place to go and do some work, earn some money, and find distractions from their problems.

Occasionally a film can be art. Maybe 1 in every 2000 movies, but most stink. I saw 'THE WATCH' and I saw 'TED' today, and both are extremely lazy movies, which were made purely so a bunch of people could have something to do and earn some money. 

You can't tell me there was much that was good about either movie. 'Ted' had a few laughs. But the teddy bear concept was worn out after 10 minutes. It didn't matter that it was a bear after that. Instead of the bear, you could have cast Jeremy Piven or Jon Favreau, it really didn't matter. The bear was just a novelty which made the trailer appealing, which made the guys in the pitch meeting say "I love it, let's make it!"

Throughout 'Ted', Mila Kunis' character wants Mark Wahlberg to grow up and get over the bear. He doesn't, so they break up; and then the bear comes back and tells Mila that it'll all work out and that she'll never have to see him (the bear) again, and that way Mila and Mark can live happily ever after. So Mila goes to see Wahlberg, at which point the bear gets kidnapped. 

So then the bear calls Wahlberg, and says he needs help. And suddenly, for no reason at all, Mila lets go of the issue she's been carrying for the whole movie (that Wahlberg needs to grow up and let go of the bear), and helps him go and save the bear from the evil person. They race through some streets, climb up a sports stadium, and of course: save the bear. 

And then Mila is happy, and says she 'just wants things the way they were'. Meaning that all along what she wanted was Mark Wahlberg and his stupid dumb bear, even though beforehand she didn't. It was like Seth MacFarlane (the writer/director) was given a note by an executive during filming, which said, "I have a greattttt idea! How about she actually LIKES the bear in the last scene, for no reason? She doesn't care that Wahlberg is a loser stoner and instead is happy at the end! AHAHAH I'd love that, so original lol". 

Movies don't have to make sense any more. Why? The audience don't give a shit! I've been in cinemas where the projection is so messed up that half of the movie is being projected onto the ceiling, and no-one gives a monkeys! People just want a place to go and sit in peace for two hours with their Blackberries. 

'The Watch' is an atrocious film. Utterly lazy and completely unfunny. It was written by very talented people (including Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg), and it stars comedy heavyweights Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill, but it is completely unfunny. There's barely a laugh in the whole thing. 

And with this much talent, it's just LAZY.

I can't work out if it got killed through studio notes; or whether it was the complete opposite, and these guys were given too much freedom; because nothing works. 

Back to my original point - most films are made simply because films get made. There's a whole industry that has to work. And there are millions of people around the world who are hopeful of greatness whenever they go to the cinema. We get fooled by the trailers, every single time. 

There are people who think 'Ted' is great. But I must say to them, 'REALLY?!'. I'm not being a snob, you can like any film you want. But I highly doubt people love these movies half as much as they think they do. Think about the first time you saw 'Star Wars' or 'Forrest Gump' or whatever your favourite and most watched flicks are. 

The issue is not that the movies we see these days in the cinema aren't as good, I mean --- making great cinema is hard. Very hard. The issue is that, most of the time, these guys aren't even trying. 'Ted' was just dick-and-fart jokes, and not even GOOD dick-and-fart jokes. As for 'The Watch', I'd be surprised if anyone working on the movie cared about the quality. Nobody on that set thought they were making the best film of the month, let alone the year. 

I need to lower my expectations. I go to the cinema hopeful of finding characters that intrigue me, jokes that surprise me, and stories that pull me in and won't let go. The reality is that the cinema so rarely provides these things, especially when we pin our hopes on the mainstream. I'm not one of these people that can happily sit through shit movies every time I go to the cinema. Life is too short to sit still for two hours watching Ben Stiller walk around streets with Vince Vaughn being completely unfunny. 

I like movies that attempt to say something. That have the balls to take a risk, or have some class. I'm not talking about high-brow/low-brow, I'm talking about quality. About putting in some effort. 

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My Top Five FUCK YOU Songs

Okay, enough of all the positivity round here. Sometimes people are idiots, and you need the right songs to put them in their place and make you feel a lot better. Here goes. 

 1. Ben Folds Five - Song For The Dumped

'So you wanted, To take a break? 

Slow it down some, And have some space? 

FUCK YOU TOO.

GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK 

GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK YOU BITCH 

And don't forget, 

And don't forget 

To give me back my black t-shirt' 

Surely one of the all time great songs. What is there to say about it? The count-in at the beginning is angry, the piano is angry as hell, the drumming in mental -- this song makes EVERYTHING OKAY! I often get dumped on purpose, just so I have this song to listen to. Fuck yeah!

2. Bob Dylan - Positively 4th Street

'You've got a lot of nerve, 

To say you are my friend, 

When I was down, 

You just stood there grinning'

'If you're so hurt, why then don't you show it?' asks Bob Dylan. This is a song about the friends who say they're your friends but they don't put the work in, and they talk behind your back. They're idiots! But Dylan is no fool, he knows what they're up to. He knows they're full of shit. At the end of the song when he says he wishes they could stand in his shoes, just to be able to see who they really are; incredible. 

This is a song about people who are disattisfied and miserable; but rather than deal with their own crap, they take it out on you. "And now I know you’re dissatisfied, with your position and your place, don’t you understand, it’s not my problem."

But that's the thing, it's not your problem! Don't let their misery drag YOU down. Dylan is full of wisdom don't ya think? 

3. Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice 

"And how in the world can the words that I said,

Send somebody so over the edge, 

That they'd write me a letter, 

Sayin' that I better Shut up and sing,

Or my life will be over"

It was 2003. America was scattering bombs throughout Iraq. The Dixie Chicks were on tour, and during a gig in London, lead singer Natalie Maines said "We do not want this war, this violence, and we're ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas." 

And of course, everything went crazy. The country music fans deserted them, people were burning their records, and they received very serious death threats. 

It didn't make a difference that her comment was one of the sanest things said during the whole Iraq war. It didn't matter that she was speaking up for peace; that she didn't want American soldiers and innocent Iraqi families getting blown to pieces. No, the logic didn't matter. People wanted the Dixie Chicks out of America, some people wanted them dead. 

The best thing about the song? She hasn't forgotten the way she was treated. She's considering forgiving them - but she still has a way to go. The important thing? She's still mad as hell. 'I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down, I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time, to go round and round and round.' 

4.Oasis - Let's All Make Believe 

"So let's all make believe,

That we're still friends and we like each other,

Let's all make believe, 

In the end we're gonna need each other"

A lot less vitriolic than 'Positively 4th Street', but it follows a similar path. The song almost seems sarcastic. Like the singer is letting the charade of friendship last a little bit longer, just to keep everyone happy. But have no doubt - underneath it is a big fuck you. 

5. John Mayer - I'm Gonna Find Another You 

"So go on baby, 

Make your little get away, 

My pride will keep me company 

And you just gave yours all away"

Ouch. When you listen to it without paying close attention, it sounds like a love song! John's taken the break-up differently to Ben Folds, he's decided not to scream. On the surface, he's fine; but underneath it, he has some things he wants to tell his ex: 'I'm gonna Find Another You'. 

It sounds like a compliment, it sounds like he's so in love with her that the only thing which will work is an exact replica. But that isn't it. This girl trapped him, made it so he couldn't be himself. This is a song about getting away from someone who wasn't all that nice to begin with, who stopped you from truly being who you are. And now he's free: 'I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do'.

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On Being Yourself

I listen to Barry White when everyone else is sleeping. I watch 'You've Got Mail' repeatedly. My ringtone is the theme tune to 'The Apartment'. I go back to my favourite 'Ally McBeal' episodes once a month, and have done for twelve years.

I try to convince myself to do what everyone else does. I must see 'Ted'. I must write a blog about Nolan's Batman trilogy. I must get to know Kubrick's films better.

But there isn't time!

You have to blaze your own path.

Find the stuff you love and make it the center of your universe.

Because it's YOU!

And sure, you should challenge yourself and there are classic movies that will help your filmic education, but you're not beholden to them. You're you!

And I bet you fell in love with film and TV because you stayed up every night when you were 12, just to watch your favourite sitcom. Or you watched the same film three times in one day just because it made you feel alive!

I remember when my cousin was obsessed with 'Finding Memo'. I'd try to take her to the park, and she'd just want to watch 'Finding Nemo'. I'd tell her the house is on fire and she'd risk it just so she could stay in her room and watch the fake fish swim around.

When do we lose that? Don't even try to tell me it's nature! It's society, it's our philosophy. Enthusiasm, individuality, passion-- these things aren't encouraged, they're marginalized.

Ever censored yourself when sharing the name of a cheesy song you like? Or justified your bad tastes? "I know it's lame, but I love Bridget Jones.., must be something wrong with me."

And sure, someone will comment and say, "I don't care what people think, I love what I love," but I don't believe them, everybody caves. It's the world we live in, but how insane is that?

All we have is who we are. And if you hide a part of that, then you're not even really you!

The guilty pleasures. The things you think you should have outgrown. The things that make you feel so happy that they make you smile to yourself like an insane person--- I bet you stop yourself enjoying these as much as you should.

You should take your favourite movie and watch it every single day of the week. Sure, it'll influence you and shape you, but that's fine, it's meant to, it's a part of you. That's why you love it so much.

You're an alchemist, mixing the elements. Finding the perfect mix that makes you you.

You're a shaman, fending off the mean spirits that stop you watching 'Cool Runnings' twice in one weekend, even though you want to.

Be yourself. There's no point being anyone else.

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