I need to pee. I'm in the middle of the isle. No way can I get out. Their legs are so big. If I leave now I'll fall over everybody. And I'll miss something important. Although nobody who pees ever misses anything important. It's like we're trained to urinate right at the moment when James Bond is just chilling out by the bar with nothing to do.
If I climb over the row in front of me, knock the bald guy out of the way and head to the emergency exit, I should be able to pee-and-return quicker than Sebastian Vettel can make a pit stop.
They should invent a pair of headphones that gives me the audio track of the movie to listen to while I pee. They probably don't need to invent a new type of headphone, I don't know. Maybe I can stay at home, listen to the whole movie on the special headphones. That would save me from having to make any kind of trip at all. Plus I don't need to ask a stranger in a baseball cap where the toilet is.
I don't actually have to pee. I'm just anticipating that I will. Probably because this coke-flavoured-water is so big. Do I pee prior to needing to pee or do I wait until I definitely need to pee or hold on until it's too late? Problem is, if I don't go now I'll keep thinking about the fact I'll need to go soon.
That hot girl over there saw me go into the toilet before the film started. That was only eleven minutes ago. She'll know I have a weak bladder.
I should come back with popcorn, that'll fool her. Maybe another flat-coke too. What is this film about?
The women's toilet is actually much nearer. What is gender anyway? Just a social construct. I'm going to pee in the women's toilet. Wearing headphones.
That girl over there sure is gorgeous. I wish my girlfriend wasn't blocking my view of her.
If I pee now, there's still 64 minutes left. This may need to be a 2-pee strategy. I'm not sure I can do that. Everyone in the cinema will know.
I need to turn my phone on and run out of the screen yelling, "hold on, I'm in the cinema," then everyone will think it's a business call rather than a nature call.
I wonder if anyone else is on a 2-pee strategy. I need someone else to go first. But now I really have to go. Even the awkward-leg-fold isn't helping. My girlfriend isn't impressed. She's started eyeing up the hot girl.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
LOCKED IN A GARAGE BAND Review - Raindance Film Festival 2012
Writer/Director Jennifer Westcott did what all first-time feature directors are encouraged to do; make a film set in one location, and fund it on Kickstarter. She deserves praise for pulling it off. Making a movie, any movie, is tough. And 'Locked in a Garage Band' is a well put together film. The director had a vision, a story, and delivered it.
But the script has major flaws. We moan that the scripts for studio movies get meddled with too much. The problem with crowd-funded movies is that there's rarely anyone on quality control. We all like to think we're capable of writing a genius screenplay straight out of the park, but few of us are Woody Allen.
The film's main flaw is that, due to the title, we know it's about a band who get locked in a garage. But the film takes 30 minutes to get there! When the audience knows the answer already, you can't hold it back from the audience, you're wasting their time.
The set-up was a pretty standard one. A bunch of white friends in the suburbs have a few disagreements and relationship issues, which make people leave the band, join the band, etc etc... and then they all come together in a garage, and are accidentally locked in for the day.
Forced to be together, the only thing is for hilarity and high drama to ensue....
..But it doesn't happen. The laughs don't come, because the stakes aren't big enough.
The friends are stuck in a room together and many of them dislike each other due to misunderstandings and disagreements. And one of the guys is annoyed because he had an interview to get to.
But it's not enough! So what if the friend group is fractured? Most groups of friends are! And the guy has an interview? Who cares! Reschedule it.
The concept had so much potential - but it needed more conflict! One of them could have been claustrophobic, another with a deadline for an exam which will change his life, the other's dying grandmother waiting to be picked up at the airport--- the stakes need to be giants!
That's why the film is much weaker than it could have been. The being locked in is not a big punishment for these, it's not a big thing to overcome; you don't feel anyone is truly suffering.
That's why the ending, when they all suddenly learn life lessons, is so unbelievable.
Even in a light comedy, you can afford to raise the game; have characters who are desperate, who are in jeopardy.
But hey, they funded it on Kickstarter, and shot it in 10 days. And for that, they should be applauded. The performances are good, the cinematography does the job; and the editing is top notch.
But the script has major flaws. We moan that the scripts for studio movies get meddled with too much. The problem with crowd-funded movies is that there's rarely anyone on quality control. We all like to think we're capable of writing a genius screenplay straight out of the park, but few of us are Woody Allen.
The film's main flaw is that, due to the title, we know it's about a band who get locked in a garage. But the film takes 30 minutes to get there! When the audience knows the answer already, you can't hold it back from the audience, you're wasting their time.
The set-up was a pretty standard one. A bunch of white friends in the suburbs have a few disagreements and relationship issues, which make people leave the band, join the band, etc etc... and then they all come together in a garage, and are accidentally locked in for the day.
Forced to be together, the only thing is for hilarity and high drama to ensue....
..But it doesn't happen. The laughs don't come, because the stakes aren't big enough.
The friends are stuck in a room together and many of them dislike each other due to misunderstandings and disagreements. And one of the guys is annoyed because he had an interview to get to.
But it's not enough! So what if the friend group is fractured? Most groups of friends are! And the guy has an interview? Who cares! Reschedule it.
The concept had so much potential - but it needed more conflict! One of them could have been claustrophobic, another with a deadline for an exam which will change his life, the other's dying grandmother waiting to be picked up at the airport--- the stakes need to be giants!
That's why the film is much weaker than it could have been. The being locked in is not a big punishment for these, it's not a big thing to overcome; you don't feel anyone is truly suffering.
That's why the ending, when they all suddenly learn life lessons, is so unbelievable.
Even in a light comedy, you can afford to raise the game; have characters who are desperate, who are in jeopardy.
But hey, they funded it on Kickstarter, and shot it in 10 days. And for that, they should be applauded. The performances are good, the cinematography does the job; and the editing is top notch.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
What if it was a conspiracy?
What if the next twenty years of smartphones had already been developed and they were leaking them to us bit by bit in order to take our money every year?
What if Facebook knew everything about us and knew what we do, where we go, the things we wear and the people we spend time with? What if Facebook had information that could get us sacked, embarrass us, change our lives?
What if there was a mass attempt to dumb us down? Can you imagine if the tabloid magazines, reality TV shows and soaps were just a way of keeping us out of trouble, indoors and in line?
Can you imagine if movies were so predictable and unimaginative that we could get used to and comfortable with their patterns? We'd begin to crave the same ideas, same clichés, the same feelings.
Maybe the films and soaps and reality shows would convince us that if we stay in line, work hard and tweet, maybe we'll be successful one day. Maybe we'll be discovered. Maybe our luck will turn and we'll get an abundance of riches and beaches. Maybe these dreams and dilusions would keep us doing things we loathe day after day, week after week, ever hopeful that someday something might change while we watch the world from distances and devices.
Think of what it would be like if Google knew what you'd searched for, what you'd looked at, and all the bizarre thoughts and curiosities that are inside that head of yours. Can you imagine if the government could use all your emails and Facebook messages as evidence against you?
What if kids got bullied in school for not wearing Nike? What if girls wouldn't wear the same dress more than once because everyone on Facebook would see? What if people felt insecure because the tiny logo on their shirts weren't as good as the tiny logos on other people's shirts?
What if phone apps were killing our brain cells? What if we were being hypnotised and sedated by technology and brands and television? What if the unique and inspiring artists were blocked out of the film industry? What if we were all conforming to lifestyles based on the types of clothes we wear? What if those with different opinions were ridiculed? What if the people around you were so disheartened and depressed that they said "who cares! This is just the way things are!"
If these things were true, would you change how you live?
What if Facebook knew everything about us and knew what we do, where we go, the things we wear and the people we spend time with? What if Facebook had information that could get us sacked, embarrass us, change our lives?
What if there was a mass attempt to dumb us down? Can you imagine if the tabloid magazines, reality TV shows and soaps were just a way of keeping us out of trouble, indoors and in line?
Can you imagine if movies were so predictable and unimaginative that we could get used to and comfortable with their patterns? We'd begin to crave the same ideas, same clichés, the same feelings.
Maybe the films and soaps and reality shows would convince us that if we stay in line, work hard and tweet, maybe we'll be successful one day. Maybe we'll be discovered. Maybe our luck will turn and we'll get an abundance of riches and beaches. Maybe these dreams and dilusions would keep us doing things we loathe day after day, week after week, ever hopeful that someday something might change while we watch the world from distances and devices.
Think of what it would be like if Google knew what you'd searched for, what you'd looked at, and all the bizarre thoughts and curiosities that are inside that head of yours. Can you imagine if the government could use all your emails and Facebook messages as evidence against you?
What if kids got bullied in school for not wearing Nike? What if girls wouldn't wear the same dress more than once because everyone on Facebook would see? What if people felt insecure because the tiny logo on their shirts weren't as good as the tiny logos on other people's shirts?
What if phone apps were killing our brain cells? What if we were being hypnotised and sedated by technology and brands and television? What if the unique and inspiring artists were blocked out of the film industry? What if we were all conforming to lifestyles based on the types of clothes we wear? What if those with different opinions were ridiculed? What if the people around you were so disheartened and depressed that they said "who cares! This is just the way things are!"
If these things were true, would you change how you live?
MISSED CONNECTIONS Review - Raindance Film Festival 2012
When I first looked at the programme for the Raindance Film Festival, I immediately picked out 'Missed Connections' as something I wanted to see. Why? Because tiny indie flicks about relationships are often my favourite films.
But then again, I'm just as likely to hate them.
When done well; these types of down-to-earth films can be highly relatable pieces that have some great insight into what it is to be a twentysomething or thirtysomething struggling to figure out what the hell you're doing with your life. You know the types of films I mean; like 'Once' and 'Your Sister's Sister'.
But when they're bad, they're bad. Highly indulgent nonsense about privileged white people who stroll around drinking coffee, talking bullshit and generally just being a pain in the ass.
So which of these was 'Missed Connections'?
Well, I'll be honest with you. For the first twenty minutes, I feared the worst. I wasn't totally into it, I wasn't relating. It felt, dare-I-say, a bit run of the mill. Like, oh-here's-a-guy-who-got-dumped-and-now-here's-his-quirky-friends-and-now-he's-quitting-his-job-blah-blah.
And I started doing that thing that I sometimes do, which I hate, but I can't stop it-- where I start writing a review in my head while the movie is still playing ---- but then that stopped.
Because the movie grabbed me. And it grabbed me right at the point where the concept kicked in.
Neal's (Kenny Stevenson) friends have a theory that women on Craigslist, in the 'missed connections' section; are so desperate and lonely that they're almost certainly a sure thing, sex-wise. And I realise, as you read that last sentence, it'll sound shallow and like a typical American Pie guy-movie, but that isn't what this is. It turns out, the women in this movie are just as devious and messed up as the men. But to go into too much detail on that point would ruin the story for those of you who are going to see it.
Here's a clip from the movie:
But how, where and when are you going to be able to see it? This, of course, is the all important question. But first, let me go back a step, to how this film got made.
They funded it on Kickstarter. Well, it had a bit of private funding too. But mostly, they made their way on generosity. And it's great to see a Kickstarter project that works. How many people ask you to fund their projects? Hundreds. How many get the things completed and out there? Precious few. That's where 'Missed Connections' succeeds. And not only did they complete it, but it's great!
What was evident in meeting the cast and crew; is how much of a great team they are. It helps that the lead actors and co-writers, Kenny Stevenson and Dorien Davies, are married to each other in real life. And in Lisa Rudin they've found a producer who gets them. People go their whole careers without finding the right producer. But here, Lisa Rudin has managed the small miracle that so many people want: to make a great movie for $25,000.
It's directed by Eric Kissack. I don't have a lot to say about the direction, not because it wasn't great ---- it was --- but because, his style was unobtrusive, and simple (at least, deceptively). He lets the story do its thing, lets the actors have their space, and most importantly of all; allows the comedy to flow.
'Missed Connections' is about the weird and bizarre things that people get up to on the internet. And while you might think it's because they're just plain weirdo's, 'Missed Connections' considers that maybe they're just lonely, and finding the best way to protect themselves.
This is the type of film you go to film festivals to see. It makes the whole thing worth it. A gem of a movie, with talented everyman Kenny Stevenson and an intriguing performance by Dorien Davies. Go see it when you get a chance.
Networking in the Film Industry
One angle is this: networking is where you sell yourself and convince people to hire you, cast you, give you money.
The other way to look at it is: networking is when you meet the people who are like you who want to do the projects you want to do.
And of course, it's a needle in a haystack. But when you meet someone on the same wavelength as you, you'll know it.
So what are you waiting for? You think you'll meet the writer you need while browsing the internet or sitting in a park?
You've got to go where creative people are.
I say this as someone who hates to 'network'. I sit in the corner at film events and screenings, mostly uncomfortable in my own skin and desperate to leave.
Except for when I see a great film, or an inspired acting performance. Then I'm desperate to meet the talent. I get confident, because I know we'll get along. When someone nails it on screen, it means they've gotten through to me, that I related personally.
So then networking at a screening or party isn't so intimidating, because we have a shared experience, we have something to talk about.
And things leap forward when you make the effort to talk to people. The people who make things are people, simple as. So go talk to them. Get over your discomfort. They're just like you.
The other way to look at it is: networking is when you meet the people who are like you who want to do the projects you want to do.
And of course, it's a needle in a haystack. But when you meet someone on the same wavelength as you, you'll know it.
So what are you waiting for? You think you'll meet the writer you need while browsing the internet or sitting in a park?
You've got to go where creative people are.
I say this as someone who hates to 'network'. I sit in the corner at film events and screenings, mostly uncomfortable in my own skin and desperate to leave.
Except for when I see a great film, or an inspired acting performance. Then I'm desperate to meet the talent. I get confident, because I know we'll get along. When someone nails it on screen, it means they've gotten through to me, that I related personally.
So then networking at a screening or party isn't so intimidating, because we have a shared experience, we have something to talk about.
And things leap forward when you make the effort to talk to people. The people who make things are people, simple as. So go talk to them. Get over your discomfort. They're just like you.
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