The Lonely Cinema

Jon and Nancy were on their first date. He was nervous and had sweaty palms. "I want to hold your hand," she said. Jon plummeted both hands into the popcorn. "No, sorry," he said, smiling like a madman. His whole body began sweating and he died a little inside, knowing this was all too much for him.

Brad, Tom and AJ were in the middle row, dead centre. They were film geeks and all decided they hated the movie -- and this was before it had even started. They bought tickets without knowing what it was -- but they knew it would be terrible, they could tell by the type of audience.

Riley and Alice loved the movie, but hated the three guys behind them who were constantly ridiculing it. It was obvious to them that the guys were trying to impress them with their trendy disdain, but it wasn't working. Alice felt sad, thinking about all the men who'd stayed alone because they didn't realise how negative being negative sounded to women.

Stefan was angry at the projection. There was definitely a problem. Also, the sound was too quiet. Lisa just wanted him to kiss her, but he was too outraged. She tried her magic -- a movement of the arms and a little eye contact. He looked at her, and wow she was beautiful. He wondered why he could see her so clearly. It was because of the Fire Exit sign, so bright! Stefan kicked the chair in front of him and mumbled something about the cinema staff being 'amateurs'.

Albert didn't know for sure, but he sensed that this would probably be his last visit to the cinema. He longed for Ginger Rogers, but was content with a bald guy shooting at cars, because it distracted him from what the doctor had just told him. He thought about Gina, and all her favourite pictures. He missed being able to talk to her. He missed her smell. There was one film she absolutely loved, that starred Henry Fonda, but he couldn't remember the name of it.

Scarlett didn't care about the movie, she only cared about Liam. For the next two hours, she could pretend he wasn't leaving. She could pretend the play-fight over popcorn didn't have a subtext. She could pretend she wasn't lost in sadness. She could pretend he cared more than he did. While he was made to sit silently in a dark room, she could convince herself he wasn't an asshole. She could convince herself this thing wasn't over.

All Becci could see as she looked for a seat, was couples. But then she saw: the guy. All alone and intriguing. She sat next to him, of course. She spent the entire movie wondering what she would say to him at the end. The end came, and she rushed out quickly without saying a word. She always does things like that, and has no idea why.

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Let Me Take You By The Hand And Lead You Through The Streets Of London

I'm exhausted. Must have walked for about ten hours today. We did Buckingham Palace, we did Shakespeare's Globe, Hyde Park, Soho, I even showed her these little old houses behind Waterloo Station that are so OldLondon that you feel like you've time travelled.

You know what was great about today? That it wasn't about movies.

I'm not saying they never came up. She's a top director from New York, and I desperately wanted to hear all about her latest film. And when we were in the Tate Modern we had a lengthy conversation about my screenplays.

But today wasn't about that. It was about seeing London. I'd never been to the Tate before! I mean, I thought it sucked and most of what passes for art is ridiculous. But at least now I can say I did it!

It was good to be a tourist. Refreshing. I pass these streets every day but usually it's for a meeting or I'm making my way to the Curzon for a screening. It was good to actually look up at the buildings and see London in all its history.

And of course, being her first time in London - she expected me to be full of facts. I was -- but most of them were made up. The stuff I did know didn't really cut it. I pointed out a location from 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' when we passed the BFI on the Southbank, but it wasn't very interesting, because today really wasn't about movies.

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Paid/Unpaid: Your Value in the Film Industry

This isn't an article about what rights you have, it's an article about the realities of the industry that most of us find ourselves in. You can quote rules and figures to me from unions and laws, but unfortunately; so few of us get to live within those luxuries. Sometimes we write/act/sing for free, sometimes we get paid huge amounts. At the opening and closing ceremonies of the Olympics, there were professional dancers who were fully paid, and thousands of 'volunteers' who worked for nothing. But who in their right mind would turn down the opportunity to be a part of such a unique event? Virtually no-one.

And that's what it comes down to in movies. Supply and demand. When a movie is being cast, there are often 1500 people applying for 5 roles. Unless you're indispensable as an actor, they can easily replace you for someone else.

What does it mean to be irreplaceable? A big part of it is business. If your name is on a poster, will it mean a big increase in ticket sales? If I put you in a YouTube video, will you bring in 50,000 views?

Johnny Depp gets twenty million dollars a movie because he guarantees profit at the box office. Robert De Niro gets two million because his name being attached to your project will guarantee pre-sales with a distributor; they can sell his movies before they're even made.

But you're not De Niro or Pacino, so what are you? You're an out of work actor.

It's like Jim Rohn used to say, your value goes up when you provide value to the market place. You can demand £100 a day to be in a student movie, but it's unlikely you're that valuable to them.

The successful actors build their careers over time. The harsh truth is, you're probably not as good as you think you are. You did twenty unpaid films then said, "I'm only doing paid work now"? Well maybe you should have done fifty projects, or a hundred.

It's a gradual thing. Longevity counts for a lot. It's like the way google ranks websites higher when they've been around longer. It's the same with actors, there's weight to longevity! All your favourite actors were at it for 15 years before they broke in at the levels we know them for. 

You get paid based on business, or uniqueness. Maybe you're not successful yet, but you have a unique voice as an artist. If you've been at it long enough, and you're unique enough, you'll probably be worth it. We'll cut down the food budget, we'll fire the DOP and hire you, because you're magic! If you think you're this already, when you're only just starting out, you're delusional!

As I said, this is not a post about rights. Or unions. I know my rights but still I've written screenplays for productions companies who have exploited my talents like crazy for very little money. But I'm not Charlie Kaufmann, it's the reality of the business. You take what you can get, otherwise you're unemployed and irrelevant. 

Even at the top of the line. You've got Ron Howard losing his studio deal, you've got Kathleen Kennedy going two years without a greenlight before the Lucas/Disney deal, and yet Christopher Nolan gets to make the movies he wants.

Why?

Business and uniqueness. No-one can do what he can do. At the moment, he guarantees box office. And the movies are great.

Why is Woody Allen still making movies? Business. His reputation, plus that of the stars who beg to work for him for scale; they make the movies profitable. Maybe not in America, but after foreign sales and home video, he's a safe bet. Woody doesn't get to make films because of his glasses, it's because he's unique and profitable. 

You can think about paid/unpaid as a thing about rights, and making a living. But if your goal is to make a living this year, go work in an office. Your goal, long term, is to be a unique artist who can demand a big fee based on what you bring to the table.

You're less helpless when you realise how empowering this can be. Have you PROVEN you can do the work? Have you shown you can be AMAZING?

Don't moan about how poor you are. Do something that shows a bit of talent. Make a 30 second movie. Write a book and give it away for free. And then do it all again to prove it isn't an accident.

Provide value to the market place.
Build an audience.
Build uniqueness.

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The Old Video Store

Funny how things go.

I had a dream the other night that the old video store had re-opened. The place was packed and everyone was excited about movies. In dreams, everyone loves the movies; but in real life, people mostly just moan about them. I was genuinely disappointed when I woke up.

And two days passed.

Then the phone rang. It was my old boss from the video store. Hadn’t heard from him in maybe three years. Those years haven’t been kind to him. The video store was all he knew, it was his life. Now it’s gone, and so is his wife. And he has trouble getting access to his kids.

These things happen for a variety of reasons, but of course; he traces it back to the video store. Everything was great when he had that place.

He called me just to catch up. He was at home with his new girlfriend, who I also vaguely knew – and they were watching a movie, which reminded him and her of me. And that’s why I got the call a few days later.

Someone offered to reopen the store. It’s sitting there derelict, and with a bit of investment, it could get off the ground again.

And maybe that’s why he called me. I had no authority at the store. I was just the kid sitting there for below minimum wage, but we had a bit of a rental-renaissance when I was there. We bucked the trend. We got people renting movies again.

But it didn’t last. We built a new core of customers who loved movies. But it’s just like the cinema. There’s a hardcore who goes twice a week, but most people go once every six months.

A video store can’t survive with those numbers. Not anymore.

But he got a call last week – and this guy suggested he re-open. Said he’d put up the cash. Get the old horse back on the track.

So when my friend got in touch with me - he knew it wasn't the right thing to do, but there was some hope in his voice. Maybe things would be like they used to be.

But he’s not remembering the last few years. The day’s takings were rarely enough to buy a pizza come the end of the night. The distributors were keeping rental DVD prices sky high, yet feeding mass amounts of discs to the supermarkets far below retail prices. Sometimes he would buy discs retail, but rental stores get penalized for that. They were being squeezed out by the distributors. This is a typical capitalism story.

The DVD/video rental industry is no longer relevant.

Sounds a crazy thing to say. After all, 90% of Netflix USA’s income is still through their DVD service.

But it’s dying.

And the video store is all but dead.

I was the one who had to break it to him. I mean, he knew already, but he listens to me. I used to be the kid in the video store, but now I’m the guy on the inside looking out. It’s my job to know where distribution is going. And everyone is looking towards the internet. And those who aren’t, are living in denial.

I’m already feeling nostalgic for the days when you could walk to the end of your street and find people eager to discuss the latest movies. Remember those days? You’d pop in to pick up a movie and end up sticking around for three hours discussing the obscure movies by the corner, in the bottom row, that were faded by the sunlight and neglected by the customers.

Those days are gone. I had to tell him, “don’t re-open the store.” That business model is gone. Sure, it’d be packed out for the first week, but nobody wants DVD anymore. Nobody wants VHS. Nobody wants the video store. 

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Has Anybody Here Seen My Old Friend Niles?

Ross & Rachel, how are you doing? 

Joey and Pacey, are you still together? Pacey – are you and Dawson on good terms? I know it’s was tricky back then, but now you’re grown up – have you managed to truly patch up the friendship? 

Ally McBeal, it broke my heart a little that you never found love when you left our screens. How about now, did you meet anyone? Maybe Larry came back. Although, he should never have left you in the first place. Should you forgive him or not? You probably shouldn’t, but I really wish you would. How is John Cage? Can you tell him hello from me. 

How are you doing, Frasier? What has Niles been up to? I guess Marty must be getting old now. I hope he’s doing okay. I heard about Eddie, I’m sorry for your loss.

Do you think Jerry, George, Elaine & Kramer are still hanging out? I’d like to think they’re still meeting up for coffee—but has anyone seen or heard from them? 

Remember how young and hilarious Chandler and Joey were? Would love to visit them now they’re in their 40’s, I bet they’ve hardly grown up at all! A bit like their friend Ross, he seemed to get less sane and more crazy as the years went by. 

Oh how I miss you guys! 

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